Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a marvelous book called Boundaries in Marriage. They define a boundary simply as “a property line” between one person and another. They make this statement:
“When two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough, and becomes self-centered or controlling.”
That, I think, is a dynamic that so many couples dealing with a pornography addiction can understand. The addict is addicted, and the spouse takes responsibility to “fix” and help.
Now, there’s no shame in trying to fix things. Fixing and helping is what happens when you’ve got a problem in the family. That’s normal. I did it. My friends do it. Every wife I’ve worked with in therapy does it.
Unfortunately, I’ve never seen the fixing and helping actually fix or help anything.
It just leaves everybody feeling frustrated, exhausted, discouraged, and stuck.
The Boundaries Way
When fixing and helping don’t work, there is another way: boundaries. But boundaries are a total paradigm shift, and it takes time for us to be motivated enough—usually by extreme pain—to stop fixing and helping, and get some boundaries in place.
With boundaries, we draw a line between “me” and “you.” We differentiate. Instead of all living in the same lump of a problem, trying to fix it and help it, we step back and breathe a little. Then we start to see what belongs to you, and what belongs to me. We each have God-given freedom and responsibility. We each acknowledge this and make new choices accordingly.
God has given me a free will, and I receive it. With that gift of freedom comes responsibility, and I embrace my own choices, behaviors, and emotions.
God has given my husband a free will, and I allow it. With my husband’s freedom comes his own responsibility, and I allow him to have that as well. Even if he chooses not to take responsibility for his choices, behaviors, and emotions, I won’t carry it for him. It’s his to do with as he chooses.
That sounds simple, but when I talk about this process with women, they often feel scared. They’re afraid their husbands will do terrible things if they stop fixing and helping. What’s more, they feel guilty about considering their own needs and wants. They are sure that boundaries are selfish, mean, unloving, and just too scary.
It is true that, with boundaries, my husband makes choices for himself, and those choices are not always what I want. He says no to my preferences sometimes. That’s hard, and I have to learn to trust that God will be with me, even when I am scared and disappointed and hurt and angry. God will carry me through.
God is my God, not my husband.
It is also true that, with boundaries, I make choices for myself, and those choices are not always what my husband wants. There are times when I just say no. I have had to learn to trust that the he will be okay, even if I disappoint him. The way I respect him in that situation is by letting him feel how he feels.
- He might be mad or hurt or disappointed or scared. God will have to carry him through.
- If he tries to push the responsibility for his emotions onto me, by verbal put-downs or angry outbursts, I will remove myself from the situation so that he and God can be alone together and work it out.
God is his God, not me.
Here is another thing that I’ve found. When I am first very clear and honest about what I feel and what I need and what I want, I can then make a real choice. I can choose what I want, or I can make a choice that is not exactly what I want, out of sacrificial love for the other person. When I choose to give, it’s a real gift.
When I am not clear and honest about what I feel and what I want, then I will spend a whole lot of my time giving other people what I think they want, hoping that they will in return spend an equal amount of energy giving me what I want.
That’s a “sacrifice” for the purpose of manipulation. And while that might masquerade as love, it’s just control with lipstick on it.
God’s love for us is a sacrificial love, not a controlling love. He loves us, and He lets us choose whether or not to be in a close relationship with Him. I think of the parable of the prodigal son. The Father’s love never wavered, but he let that kid go into the far country and live in a pigsty until he was ready to come home. I don’t think that was a fun time for anybody, but it speaks to me when I think about how freedom and responsibility and love and boundaries all work together.
Here are some example boundaries from Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Verbal boundaries might sound something like this: Physical boundaries might comprise: Emotional boundaries could include: I wish I could tell you that having good boundaries will for sure fix your life into exactly what you want it to be, right now, today. But the truth is, real boundaries are a risky thing. We don’t know what the other person will choose. The truth is, life is scary and it hurts and sometimes I get mad and I wish I could control it and manipulate it and fix it and tie it up in a pretty pink bow. But in my saner moments I know this: I will choose freedom and responsibility, and an honest mess of love that hurts over the fake-perfection of pretend, every time. Because when we hold onto our boundaries, and battle through with God’s help, there is real love and real relationship and real freedom waiting at the end of the road. So every day, I try to do these things. This is a joyous and life-giving way to exist in every area of life. Also, it is messy and painful and challenging. And God is enough, even for this.
Thank you for offering assistance/freedom through helping us understand & navigate boundaries. I’m in week 2 of finally just not being okay with the emotional abuse and displacement of his secret addiction (however mild or occasional) as well as hidden anger onto me. I haven’t even brought up the porn addiction to him since my final boundary was crossed 2 weeks ago. I’ve been just watching myself & leaning into God. The last time we discussed porn was about a month ago when I asked him and he said he had looked twice that week. A spiritual authority supposedly spoke with him a week ago and right after he tried to put it all back on me “I’m sorry you were not feeling cherished.” I held my ground and just said “this isn’t about me”. He continues in the shame cycle which is really a challenge to navigate except by God’s grace sustaining me through the day. My question is, at is there a good time or any profit to bringing it up myself and just engaging in some sort of like “so are you ever gonna like acknowledge this?” He has not been in any way repentant, even after a Christian authority talked with him, and he is openly lying and okay downplaying it’s hold in his life. I can only work on myself and have no voice or influence into his growth. However, he is punishing me continually because he knows he’s been found out. I finally realize I have been hurt and there are lot of things I’m now having to process when I look back and see all the lies and deception. I feel really sick. I want to just grieve and I also know God is so good to me but it’s really hard to feel hope when the accountability he’s now apparently going to go to isn’t even trained in this type of sin/issue and I highly doubt he’ll ever actually admit the truth when he is so adamant in his lies. I’m just really sad, even if there’s a lot of beauty and love God’s doing in my heart.
Hi Lisa,
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. It’s truly heart breaking. And I’m so grateful for your strength and courage, to look reality in the face and see what’s really going on.
I think you can set the boundaries you need to set, based on the reality that you know, with or without a conversation with him. Lack of repentance, lying, downplaying: these are all signs that he is not willing or able to do the work that needs to be done, and based on that reality, you set the boundaries that need to be set. You might appreciate this article, called A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. You’r enot required to be a slave to your husband’s sin. Ever.
It seems really normal to be sad and devastated and also able to see that you’re going to be okay, no matter what.
You might appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. And a therapist, just for you, might be good, to help you process emotions and set the right boundaries for yourself.
Peace to you
Kay
thank you for your ministry and to allow your life to be a testimony to others who face the same struggles. i pray we all be victorious with His Word and His grace and mercy🙏🏻
If a person masturbates while viewing porn, which by the way is the whole purpose of looking at porn, the person is having sex outside the marriage covenant. And that is adultery, and yes it is biblical grounds for divorce. But that is not a mandate either. The question you have to ask yourself, is staying with your spouse worth the price you are paying.
My husband is addicted to porn. After what I thought was a period of him doing really well, I discovered that he had been looking at porn and lying to me for 6 months.
Since this has come to the light, he is extremely repentant, has made an appointment with a counselor, and is meeting with men from our church. After trying to “fix it” for months (years!) on his own and obviously failing, I am proud of him for opening up to some men he respects about this and for seeking healing. I am finally opening up to some women about it as well.
We have tried to set some boundaries, but I’m struggling to navigate them. At this point, we’ve been in different rooms for over a week. I’d like to have a stated end to this separation, but I don’t know when that can or should be. I don’t trust him, but I do see him taking steps to rebuild trust. We want to take things slow, but I’m terrified that having sex with him again will be a failure or “giving in” on my part and will lead to a lack of motivation in him. I don’t know how to meaningfully introduce intimacy back into our relationship. Any advice or relevant experience?
Hi Claire,
Wait until you are ready to have sex, and WANT to have sex. Wait until the relationship is intimate before your bodies are intimate. Here’s an article about rebuilding trust that might help as you process when or if you are ready for sex. You don’t owe him sex. Your body is your own, and you decide when you want to have sex.
I hope that helps,
Kay
Married for 31 yrs and lets just say it took a good 20 yrs to finally be at peace with who I am. 10 yrs ago I found out that my husband was going to cheating websites and porn. It was very hard for me to take. I lost myself but thanks to the Lord found myself again. I made a decision and let God do the rest with my husband. God and I had our own work to do so things became so great but recently I see he has mingled a little back to those sites. Nothing like close to before yet its not acceptable to me. I prayed and gave it time but realize its now affecting my desire to be with him. I prayed and had the talk about how I felt and why I am so distant sexually with him. He didn’t say a word and is more or less ignoring me and that is ok. I will give him time to think about what I said. Just remember don’t let go of who you are so as not to rock the boat. I tried that in the past and lost me and my relationship and trust in the Lord. I stand true to myself and not afraid or embarrassed to be me and stand strong to my truths. I will give it a week and if he refuses to discuss what I shared with him then I will bring it up again and ask that he give me his response to the conversation. Quiet time is good for soul searching and I respect that but too much time could lead to sweeping it under the rug and never being dealt with and that isn’t healthy either. I don’t want to divorce and if he can’t understand my position I will be as this article is about placing boundaries until the Lord gives him the understanding I will not veer from what I know in my heart is not healthy or right for a marriage to succeed. I trust God in leading us both in the right direction and for truth and honesty.
It sounds like you’re in a good place of knowing what is okay and not okay with you.
As you wait for your husband’s response, you might appreciate this article as well.
Peace be with you in this journey,
Kay
How long should boundaries stay in place? In my case I feel like some of them should stay in place forever – like safe search on the computer and no tablet/phone when alone in the bedroom. My husband feels like I should just completely trust him because it’s been around a year now. Admittedly, I do not fully trust him still and don’t know if I will ever be able to. I also feel like it is better to have boundaries to help keep the temptations away. He was honest with me when we started dating that he used to look at porn, but had decided it wasn’t good for him and had stopped a little bit before we got together. He still had issues with watching movies, tv shows, etc that had nudity or very sexual things in them, but would say that it was fine because it wasn’t actually porn. This part of his life he was not willing to change and it kept getting worse until he was right back into everything unbeknownst to me. Until 11 years and 4 kids later I found out because I stumbled across something he had accidentally forgot to delete and my daughter was on his tablet next to me and I saw it. When confronted he denied, lied, and got mad, then grabbed his tablet and went through everything he had and deleted everything he thought he already had. Later he begrudgingly admitted that he “just stumbled on something innocent” and it led to more and worse stuff and he couldn’t stop. Then when work got bad it was his release and even though he “wanted” to he could’t stop, and it was “to hard” trying to be with me because the kids were always around. He also admitted that he did and kept it all at work for the majority of those years so I would never find out, but within the last few years it was hard for him to do it at work anymore so he was “forced” to do it at home. All the while completely checking out on our marriage and our kids. He said he had no idea we almost never having sex anymore and that he was getting angry at the kids all the time and not playing with them. I wish I had clearly saw the signs and pushed harder with him when I felt things were off throughout the years. I knew porn was bad but never knew how bad and addicting porn could be and that it would be with him forever. He has made a promise to never do it again and has been “clean” (so he says), for a year now. Do I believe it? I don’t know. Have things in our relationship and with the children gotten better? Yes. Should I continue to stay after such a betrayal? I still question that everyday. Has the pain eased and the crying stopped? Not even close. Will he do it again? I can’t help but think yes. He promised me he wouldn’t when we got together, he promised me again by marrying me, then again when we later got sealed together as a family in the temple at our church, and after the repeated assurances he wasn’t doing anything when I asked/suspected something throughout the years while we were married. Why should I believe that this promise is real when the others weren’t?
Hi Josie,
Thank you for being open and honest with your struggles. I would encourage you to read our blog post “A Letter to Wives After the Betrayal of Pornography.” Praise God for hope and healing, even amidst severe trials.
Blessings!
Moriah
Kay – I have been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years but about two years ago I felt a great uneasiness in my spirit about our relationship. I started finding pictures of naked women on his computer and pdf’s of live dating websites. A few months ago he called me at work and obviously thought he was voice texting someone else in a very seductive voice. He immediately called me back and said that it wasn’t him, which I clearly knew it was. He claims not to even remember now. Meanwhile, I have found several sites that he is on and posting very lewd messages about how he is masturbating to many women on these sites (please excuse my blunt reference). He continues to deny everything and calls me a sneak for getting into his phone. He tells me I’m crazy and I need to stop snooping but every time he thinks things have calmed down, more of the same things come out. I even tried to accept that he liked porn but he is taking it to a very dangerous level and won’t admit anything! It has gotten to where he sleeps during the day and stays up all night. He hasn’t slept in our bed in several years but blames it on me (snoring, etc). I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the gist of what’s going on. I have struggled mightily with self esteem, depression and self loathing through all of this. I am the primary bread winner in our household and there is also evidence of drug abuse. He has wrecked every car we own, has lost customers over his inability to be responsible and still refused to admit any issue. He tells me I’m a prude when I confront him. I have been returning to my relationship with the Lord, which he also wants nothing to do with. I have left the home recently and come back and just not sure what to do next.
You know the truth. His denial, blaming, and “not remembering” are all part of a gaslighting routine. He doesn’t want to face the truth, and he doesn’t want you to do it either, because let’s face it, he has a sweet gig going on here. He can break his marriage vows as much as he wants, keep a free ride with whatever he wants to do, as long as you don’t fully face the truth, and set some boundaries around this.
You are NOT required to be a slave to his sin. If he wants to be a slave to that sin, that’s his choice, but you don’t have to live in this mess with him.
Here and here are a couple more articles on boundaries.
Whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to live free and clear of his mess. He has broken his vows, and you get to decide what that means for you. Your freedom, your boundaries, your choice.
Peace and a healthy life to you,
Kay