As an ally and accountability partner for many people trying to quit porn, I’ve often struggled to identify what they need from me.
Do I need to call out their sin? Do I just listen? Should I offer encouragement? Should I offer some practical advice for how to avoid another relapse?
What I’ve come to see over the years—with the help of many recovery experts—is that different situations call for different responses.
It takes wisdom for an ally to know what is most needed. The good news is, you can help someone even if you bungle your way through it. Just be humble and quick to admit what you don’t know. Persist in loving the person you hold accountable, even when it’s frustrating or discouraging. Whenever you can, seek help from more qualified and experienced individuals.
But here are some practical steps you can take to discern the best course of action.
Listen to Understand First
James instructs Christians to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Many of us want to jump straight into the things we have to say before we even understand the situation we’re speaking into.
There are a couple of things you can do to put James’s “quick to listen” teaching into practice.
Suspend Judgement
To understand someone, you need to understand their perspective, struggles, rationales, and excuses. If we immediately break into someone’s story to criticize or correct them, we’ve cut ourselves off from a full understanding of their situation.
Let them tell their story.
This can be tricky because, if you’re like me, you might be inclined to take this too far: you get so caught up in their story you lose the objective perspective of an outsider. Don’t do that. Recognize they likely have blind spots and parts of their own story where they’ve been deceived about their situation.
Everyone’s story has layers to it. Don’t jump to conclusions.
Ask Questions
While you don’t want to launch into giving advice too soon, “quick to listen” doesn’t mean you have to sit in stony silence. You should engage with their story by asking questions. And these questions may be very pointed.
Often this is essential to get anywhere, because even after someone has admitted to a struggle they may be reticent to share any further details.
You want to learn their mindset. These questions can help:
- What do you believe about yourself and your relationship with God?
- Do you recognize the negative effects of pornography on you and your relationships?
- Do you understand what you’re doing is sin?
- Do you believe that Jesus can forgive you and redeem your life?
- Do you earnestly desire to quit?
You need to dig deeper, past their stated beliefs to understand where their heart is at. Are they experiencing shame? Are they frustrated, discouraged, or angry? These feelings reveal the powerful emotional forces at work in the heart.
It’s also important to understand the practical side of their struggle:
- How frequently do you watch porn?
- How long has this been going on?
- What are the situations where you’re most vulnerable to temptation?
Now, we always recommend seeking out qualified counseling when possible. But once you’ve listened to understand, you’re in a much better place to help them and recognize what they need.
Assess Their Situation
The great news is you don’t need to be a professional counselor, pastor, or therapist to be an effective ally.
Covenant Eyes has some tools you can use to better understand the different ways porn can affect people, and how deep someone’s involvement is, and whether they need to seek additional help from a professional:
You may want to encourage them to take the PAUS assessment. PAUS assesses a person’s involvement with porn and offers a corresponding action plan.
What Are They Willing To Do?
Many people recognize the negative impact of porn on their life but haven’t counted the cost of what it will take to be free.
Some people just want freedom from the consequences of watching porn, but don’t want to give up porn itself. In this case, they’re not ready for serious accountability yet. You can best encourage them by pointing them to other resources to help them understand the negative effects of porn. Help them understand how porn impacts their relationship with God.
Others genuinely want to quit, but they aren’t ready to make the sacrifices necessary for a porn-free life. Here are some questions you can ask:
- Are you willing to confess your struggle to a spouse or parent?
- Will you install accountability software on your devices, or get rid of these devices completely?
- Will you delete social media or other apps that lead you into temptation?
These aren’t the only questions you might ask—there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula, as each person’s struggles look different. But the willingness to say “yes” to these challenging questions (and follow through!) indicates that someone has counted the cost and is committed to living porn-free.
At this point, what they’ll need most is your encouragement for the journey.
What isn’t working?
If someone is willing to take the difficult steps but nonetheless continues to struggle, you can help them identify what isn’t working in their approach.
This means identifying triggers—the times, places, and moods when they are most vulnerable to temptation. It also means helping them brainstorm possible escape routes from these situations.
Create a Game-plan
Now that you’ve listened and assessed their situation, you’re in a much better place to help them on their journey away from porn. Together, you can create an effective plan of action.
Here’s an example of a simple game-plan for someone who struggles with occasional porn use:
- Install Covenant Eyes on all devices
- Use Covenant Eyes to block problematic sites
- Keep phone outside the bedroom at night
- Meet every two weeks to discuss progress
- Text or call proactively any time whenever tempted
It’s important to make a plan that’s actually workable—having a 2 hour accountability meeting every day isn’t sustainable for any length of time. You need to come up with someone that you both agree is workable.
A very different game-plan might be necessary for someone who has been deeply involved with porn and has a history of deception and escalating behavior:
- Get rid of smart phone
- Install Covenant Eyes on computer
- 6 months of counseling
- Weekly 12-step meetings
- Weekly meetings with ally
- Text every night to confirm sobriety
The deeper someone’s involvement with porn, the more intense the plan of action will likely need to be. However, the intense plan will also need to be revised once someone is in the maintenance stage of recovery.
As you can see, these are very different action plans based on very different situations. And they’re not static either. As someone progresses on their journey, you will need to adjust the game-plan. That’s why it’s important to understand what someone needs to effectively leave porn behind. It’s even more important that they understand what they need to do to leave porn behind.
Remember: you can’t force someone into recovery. It won’t work. For someone to quit porn, they must take responsibility. You are there to help and support, but you can’t do it for them.
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