Porn is a human problem. We provide a human solution.

Our culture teaches that pornography is no big deal, or even that it’s a healthy way to explore your sexuality. However, the facts simply do not bear this out. Pornography has a devastating impact, both on the people who consume it and on their relationships.

If you’ve just discovered your wife’s pornography habit, you may feel shocked, angry, and betrayed. You might wonder how she could do something that you both believe is wrong.

You’re not alone. A growing number of marriages are being affected by pornography.

First, you need to find help and support for yourself. Don’t bury these feelings or try to handle this alone. Talk to a pastor, counselor, or trustworthy friend who can support and encourage you.

Second, you can help your wife find freedom from pornography by supporting and encouraging her to seek out help. This isn’t something you can fix for her. But you can be supportive and help point her in the right direction. Tools like Victory by Covenant Eyes can help both of you move towards healing.

You’ve most likely heard that porn is a man’s problem, and it may be a shock to discover that your wife is struggling with this. However, statistics tell us that upwards of 30% of women watch porn regularly, and it’s only becoming more common. This includes many women who believe porn is wrong and desperately want to quit.

Sadly, many of these struggling women have also heard it’s a man’s problem, and they believe they’re the only ones. This leads to intense guilt and shame, particularly among Christian women who are tempted by pornography.

Abigail shared her story with us, of growing up as a missionary kid and being gripped by pornography:

“I knew that porn was wrong, but I was also drawn to the escape it seemed to give me, so I got deeper and deeper into it. My relationships were in ruins, and my self-worth was almost nonexistent at that point. I hated who I was because I was living in rebellion.” – Abigail

Thankfully, Abigail shared her struggle with some understanding people, and she was able to find freedom. And your wife can experience this too.

If both you and your spouse have a history with pornography, you have the tremendous opportunity to encourage one another to walk in freedom.

1. Take time to understand one another, and where your struggles are the same and where they are different. Struggles with pornography are often rooted in deep emotional wounds that go back many years. As you grow in your understanding, you can deepen your care and support for one another.
2. Learn to understand each other’s triggers. For example, there might be certain TV shows or music that are fine for one of you, but triggering for the other. By understanding each other’s struggles, you can avoid things that might cause a set-back, and encourage each other on the path to victory.
3. Seek out other men who can be allies for you, and she should do the same with other women. Although you can hold each other accountable, we have found it’s best to also bring in other people that you both trust.

Learn more about this topic in our free Victory course, Why You Turn To Porn.

Everyone’s recovery journey is unique and there is no perfect, one-size-fits-all solution; however, after walking with people for over 20 years, we’ve learned some things:

1. As a husband within a covenant marriage, you are invested in your wife’s recovery progress. For some, that may mean receiving her reports; however, we strongly encourage that someone else acts as her primary ally. That friend, not you, should be the one who looks deeply at her reports from Covenant Eyes, reviews them for signs that she was viewing pornography, and either lovingly calls her out when she slips up or encourages and celebrates milestones on her road to freedom. Yes, you may still decide you want to see your wife’s reports. But when you let someone else work closely on the pornography aspect of her recovery, it removes you from even the perceived role as the policeman. And that’s how it should be! You’re her husband, not her parent.
2. It makes it easier for you both to focus on healing. If you’re the one responsible for confronting her for her slip-ups, those slip-ups, which are a normal part of the recovery journey, can cause you extra pain. For her, one of the things keeping her trapped in a cycle of porn use is likely a sense of shame; if you’re responsible for her healing, it may just serve to drive her deeper into shame, and make her feel like she needs to put on a performance or make progress faster, rather than focusing on the conversations that lead to the understanding and lifestyle change necessary for long-term recovery. In most cases, we’ve found that it is easier for her to have those conversations with a trusted friend. But you and your wife should sit down and talk through whether there’s someone you both trust who can act as her primary ally instead of you.