Pornography remains one of the vilest substances on the planet, an abomination that twists our God-given sexual desires and mutates them into selfish desires leading to emotional and spiritual destruction.
My Mental Prison Cell
I was nine years old when I discovered pornography, and for eleven years, I would spend my days in a mental prison cell, one I didn’t realize I was in. I cried out to God, but my personal fight against lust was futile. I was flailing about blindly in the ring while my opponent was a seasoned veteran. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I truly began to battle, and by the grace of God, was able to see victory, reaching ninety days free of pornography.
When I was nine, a schoolyard discussion sparked curiosity about female anatomy, leading to pornography. I was caught repeatedly looking at images, and punished appropriately, but this only reinforced my desire. It became a game where I tried to watch as often as possible while evading detection. As I matured, the desire to look at these images and videos went away. I thought that phase of my life was over, but a lustful dream before my junior year plus easy access via phone led me to new depths: masturbation.
My Cellmate: Shame
At this point, I knew I was in a prison cell, but I could not escape.
My prison cell gained another occupant: shame. Shame kept me trapped, taunting me with the illusion of escape, telling me, “If you were a better person, you would be free. If you weren’t weak, you would be free.” I felt like a pariah, someone who was “the good pastor’s kid,” but secretly rotten to his core. No amount of good I did could cover the darkness of my soul, and I had no idea what to make of it. I was a Christian, but due to self-imposed perfectionism, my faith became performance-based, although I would never admit it.
I had acquired Covenant Eyes, a great tool for fighting temptation, but what I found that addiction is ruthless. As an addict, I wanted what I wanted, and would get it through any means. Once I entered college and developed my own faith, I truly understood the basic truth of the Gospel: we are all sinners, with an outstanding debt of sin we could never pay. But God, rich in mercy and love, gave Jesus as a sinless sacrifice, and the darkness of our soul is washed in His blood. We are cleansed and made white as snow.
This saw more of a turning point in my battle. The shame that had been with me for so long had been evicted by God, replaced with a voice that told me that I was loved, and that, through Him, I could beat this addiction. But I simply tried to use brute force, with no strategy other than “don’t do it,” inevitably leading to failure. However, now I found it easier to get back up and battle again, even if I was not doing everything I possibly could to fight. That, however, changed in my sophomore year of college.
In the fall of 2023, I joined The Retention Formula, an online addiction recovery program where I learned what truly battling addiction looked like. I was placed in an accountability group, and finally felt free to talk about everything that I felt, because the group members understood my struggle. Several men poured into me, sharing tested methods that helped to ride the waves of temptation. I was required to read Michael John Cusick’s Surfing for God, a book which completely changed the way I looked at pornography addiction.
The problem, I learned, was not just behavioral, but biological, emotional, and spiritual. Addiction was an unhealthy method of coping with insecurity. As I looked within, I learned that my habitual sin did not come just from trampled neurons in my brain, but from my own insecurity about my masculinity. Once I understood myself, it became much easier to understand the ways in which this addiction could be conquered.
The road to recovery was formidable. It was brutal, with such extreme cravings that I wrestled with attempting to set up an encounter with a prostitute. But the Lord is faithful, despite my unfaithfulness. He taught me how to fight, and He gave me strength. On November 23rd, 2023, I relapsed for the final time.
At this point it finally clicked: I knew my triggers, I knew the HALT method (hungry, angry, lonely, tired), and had spent three months building up mental discipline. On February 22nd, 2024, I reached ninety days free from pornography and masturbation. While this does not mean temptations will cease, this proved one thing to me: a porn-free life isn’t just possible for others, but possible for me, and a lust-resistant life had become my lifestyle.
Freedom From My Prison
My biggest victory came during the spring of 2024. My parents had gone on a trip, and I was home alone for 3 days. I prepared my walls before they left, ensuring Covenant Eyes was active on all my devices, and that those which didn’t have it were unusable for me. However, I missed a tablet my father left unlocked. As soon as I discovered this, my lust and biology were screaming at me to give in, but one thought dominated my mind:
“You have a choice. You do not have to. You do not need to.”
I repeated this to myself. This was when I realized that, because of Jesus, Satan had no power over me. He had already lost and sin was already defeated because Jesus paid the price for sin on the cross, all of it. Because of this, I am a new creation. I was once held prisoner by my shame and regret, but because Jesus found me in my sinful state and said, “Follow me,” I was able to find freedom.
This freedom came not by my own strength, but from God, and His all-sufficient grace and love. Fighting against lust in today’s world is equivalent to fighting a smoking problem with a pack of cigarettes in hand at all times. But thanks to software such as Covenant Eyes, those struggles are made easier. Access routes are cut off, making it more difficult to satisfy cravings.
Accountability is made easier with the screen capture mechanic. Covenant Eyes provides guidance towards technological integrity. A man with technological integrity is one who does not entertain the thought of lustful imagery, but instead pushes past, or even deletes software that can showcase triggering imagery. He understands that our sexual desire is God-given, but twisted by our sin. The man of God is disciplined, knowing that his desires can be fulfilled in God-honoring ways.
This man of God can be anyone. Anyone who pursues God with their whole heart is a man of God. Anyone who abhors sin is a man of God. A man of God values women and does not see them as objects to fulfill his desires. A man of God is not one who does not just abstain from pornography but is one who does not need pornography.
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