My exposure to pornography began when I was very young.
At 13, I remember sitting in the cafeteria and hearing about these images and videos. I was a pastor’s kid, raised to value the truth given by the Word of God. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I felt pressured to fit in with my friends, so I started searching for the images they had told me about.
Yet, one moment of curiosity turned into years of enslavement to pornography and masturbation. I was a quiet, shy young man who did not feel seen by society. I felt rejected by my peers, my coaches, and sometimes even my family. Longing for acceptance, I turned to pornography for a false sense of belonging. Pornography provided a way for me to feel accepted by watching another man not being told “no.” It gave me a false sense of self-confidence I had been lacking.
Before understanding my identity as a son of God, I felt defenseless in combating my sin. Even though I had a supportive church community and family who could help me fight my addiction, I was afraid confession would affect how people in the church would perceive me and my family. The enemy instilled lies into my mind saying, “You’re the pastor’s son. How could you do this? If people know you struggle with this, your family’s image will be ruined.”
These lies prevented me from telling anyone because I felt ashamed of who I was. I continued walking in sin while serving in my church’s youth ministry and leading worship. As described in 1 John 1:6, I was one who claimed to have fellowship with God while I walked in darkness. The fear of rejection from my childhood was now further separating me from the Lord and strengthening my bondage to pornography.
By the time I got to college, I relied on pornography so heavily that I could not go one day without it. I kept pushing my desires beyond anything realistic, but it wasn’t enough. When pornography didn’t satisfy, I sought acceptance through partying because all my friends were doing it. I would go to bars on campus to drink, chase after women, and escape reality, all while still involved with my church community. I wore a mask that made me appear happy and put together, but I was really struggling inside.
I felt too ashamed to admit my pain and believed I was too far gone to reconnect with the Lord. It wasn’t until I woke up hungover on a Sunday morning in a random apartment after partying the night before that I realized I had enough. I remember the Lord speaking to me in my car on the way to church, saying, “I have created you for so much more than this.” I wept in my car before the Lord. I knew then and there that I needed to surround myself with people at my university who desired to follow Jesus instead of the world.
I found a small group that met on campus each week to read Scripture and grow in fellowship. At the first meeting, the leader of the group opened the floor for prayer and confession. I had assumed people would ask to pray for sick family members or share how they haven’t been spending enough time with the Lord. But what I heard truly shook me to my core. A young man shared how he had given into temptation to pornography a couple of days prior.
I looked around the room with a visibly confused look on my face to see if anyone else was as shocked as I was. I thought, “Does he realize what he just said?” I was soon humbled as I witnessed the rest of the group respond to this man not with judgment, but with love, compassion, and encouragement. My preconceptions were being destroyed as another guy in the group shared how he had lustful thoughts on our campus. I was so unfamiliar with the boldness that these young men were sharing their sins. At this point, I was encouraged to know I wasn’t alone in this fight against pornography.
In that moment, I felt the Lord drawing me to confess my addiction for the first time. I spoke up and hesitantly fumbled over my words until the sentence, “I’ve been addicted to pornography for 8 years, and I need help” came from my mouth. In contrast to what I was convinced to believe about confessing my addiction, just saying those words felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I wanted more of this feeling, so I asked to receive prayer and asked for the guys in the group to hold me accountable. For the first time, I recognized who I was as a son of God. I realized how Jesus’ love and faithfulness have given me purpose beyond my broken nature. I had found an escape.
Finding freedom from pornography has allowed me to pursue a newness of life I hadn’t experienced before. However, I would be lying if I told you I was never tempted to lust ever again. My addiction created wounds within me that have affected how I see myself, others, and even God years after I first confessed. I’ve had selfish desires for my wife that were completely unrealistic and have failed to love her due to insecurities rooted in lust.
I wish I could say I never failed again, but the fact is that it has taken a lot of refining within my spirit to get to where I am now. It has involved dying to my flesh and fleeing from the plans of the enemy daily. However, I am encouraged to know I serve a God who can empathize with my weaknesses. He allows me to come before him with boldness without any fear of condemnation.
In this journey, Covenant Eyes has enabled me to walk with integrity. I believe integrity means choosing the thing you know is right beyond what the world or your flesh may try to convince you otherwise. For many years, I lacked this, despite knowing the truth. Through my story in fighting pornography, what I found is that building integrity is impossible to do alone; it can’t be built in the dark. It requires humility to confess that your flesh is weak to those around you. But most importantly, it requires frequent confession and repentance before the Lord. Covenant Eyes has helped me grow in integrity by completely cutting off access to outlets that once bound my life.
Additionally, it has allowed me to be completely transparent with my accountability partner, my wife. This has brought us closer together and allowed trust to be rebuilt within our relationship. As 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from unrighteousness.”
We don’t get our integrity from ourselves, but rather, we are refined in integrity when we expose our weaknesses to the Lord. In the light is where freedom is found, and Covenant Eyes has been an excellent tool in being able to expose all secrets in the light.
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