At age 13 I received my very first personal electronic device, an Amazon Kindle Fire. My parents made sure that the browser was blocked to protect me from pornography. I still had access to the app store which eventually became a tool for seeking out inappropriate images. I was not viewing pornography, but the images were of scantily clad women.
My battle with seeking out lust had begun. Often, I would feel a sense of guilt and shame that was difficult to reconcile with my faith in Christ. At this time, my concern with fitting in with the crowd caused me to stop living in accordance with the beliefs that I had grown up with. I was still attending church and learning about Scripture and doctrine in my Bible class. I was even doing personal devotions, but my heart was more concerned with how other people perceived me, my own comfort, and my own pleasure.
At age 15, I got my own phone and viewing sexual images was soon a temptation. This was my first time with Covenant Eyes. I was protected from pornography and images on my browser but was still continuing to lust at images through apps. My faith at this point had been shaken. I had experienced several harsh rejections from friends and people my age and had lost connections with many people due to moving because of changes in my dad’s work. The continual sin of lusting with my eyes and the hurt that I was experiencing had chipped away at my hope and love for the Lord.
At age 16, my brother went off to college. He was and continues to be one of my best friends. Within one week of his leaving for college, I began to pursue worse images and discovered masturbation. I fell into a deep pit of shame and loneliness that reinforced a habitual sin. Fortunately, I was still protected from the darkness of pornography by Covenant Eyes. On the outside, I seemed to have it together. Athletic and a religious gym goer, I was pursuing leadership positions at school and in extracurriculars while maintaining excellent grades. I was friendly and knew a lot of people, but I still lacked what I longed for: deep connection with people my age who were pursuing what was truly meaningful (the Lord). At this time, I searched in many places for my meaning and purpose. I looked for success, positive perception by others, and most of all in the quiet of my home at night… pleasure.
At age 17 I viewed pornography for the first time. My growing habit of sexual sin that was coming from bottled-up emotions, loneliness, and seeking meaning in the wrong places led me to crave more and more. I sought out the old Amazon Kindle Fire which I knew did not have Covenant Eyes and a dark period of my life began. Often, with viewing pornography I would be so filled with guilt and shame that I would try to immediately get rid of the access point. I tried changing passwords so that I wouldn’t know them (but not through other people because of my shame). I eventually even destroyed two of the old unused devices and threw them in the trash. My hate for the sin was outweighed by my need for a positive reputation.
I eventually was so tired of the way of life that I was living that I broke down to my dad. We sought out ways to get rid of the devices that were not protected by Covenant Eyes or assured that the devices I had were protected. I began to heal and had longer periods of growth outside of sexual sin that helped me, but it wasn’t until I went away for college that I experienced freedom from sexual sin in abundant ways.
I began attending college in the Fall of 2023. I had amazing freedom from sin in this new environment. So many things began to make sense in relation to my sexual sin. My patterns of lust were born out of loneliness, fear, and perceived unworthiness. My mind had been carried away with ideas of what mattered and what was purposeful that were not accurate. My faith was bolstered as the Lord blessed me with Christian friendships and spiritual discipline. My faith became my own. I joined a sexual faithfulness group and began to examine the patterns of my lust and have frequent accountability. I felt more freedom than ever and that has carried over since. Covenant Eyes protects me from pornography access but also provides an example of a necessary aspect of breaking free from sexual sin: accountability and healing through a community pursuing the Lord.
To me living with integrity is beyond just accountability on my phone. Living with integrity was once described to me as living a whole life. This idea was brought home by the explanation of the root of the word integrity. An integer is a whole. When we live lives without integrity, they are fractured. There are subsets of our lives. There are versions of who I am behind closed doors and versions of who I am in the open. One of the greatest ways to break free from sin is to live as whole beings who are honest and the same across all realms. That is why accountability in what we view on a screen is crucial. For me, I needed integrity, honesty, and wholeness in all realms of my life. The most important thing was living the same way in all areas of my life out of a love for Christ. That love for Christ had to grow.
I know that one of the major reasons for my habitual struggle with pornography and lust was a lack of integrity not only in what I was doing on my technology but in the way I was living. I could say that I wanted to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. In my heart, I was so concerned with being perceived as perfect that I would try every way possible to get rid of my sexual sin aside from bringing it out into the light to shared accountability. Covenant Eyes, therapy, sexual faithfulness groups, churches, and older Christian mentors all require the honesty that is necessary to live with integrity, but ultimately loving and serving God has to be the pinnacle purpose of our lives in all realms. If we are truly honest with ourselves, do we live with this as the ultimate peace and solution to our dirty, deceitful hearts?
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