I remember the way I thought about marriage back when I was a single chap.
I had determined that if I was ever going to get married (i.e. tied down to just one woman for the rest of my days), my wife would have to meet three criteria:
- She had to be hot. And by that, I actually meant the hottest girl in the room, any and every room.
- She had to be holy. I was entirely sincere about this. I loved Jesus too much to think I could be happy with a girl who didn’t love Him, no matter how hot she was or how well she met the last criterion.
- She had to be horny. I somehow acquired the idea pretty early in my teens that sex was, more or less, the reason for living. And growing up in the church, I knew marriage was the only place you could enjoy that life-altering experience without feeling guilty about it, so I wanted a partner that was ready to get it on. And on and on and on, ’til the break of dawn.
Essentially, I wanted a girl who God had specially designed to fulfill my every sexual fantasy, and could have easily been mistaken for a Victoria’s Secret model if not for her modest dress (which wouldn’t even reveal cleavage).
I don’t believe I was alone in thinking this way. In fact, thanks to the ever-increasing sexualization of our culture, I run into a lot of guys today who are looking for that one perfect pinup. I mean, girl. Woman! I mean woman.
Might you be one of those guys? Then I have an important warning for you, because if you keep this supermodel mindset, two things are highly likely to happen:
- You will prolong your search for a marriage partner unnecessarily (perhaps indefinitely).
- Even if you succeed in finding your dream girl, you will then find marriage a huge disappointment.
You Can Only Marry One
There are many reasons why marrying a supermodel won’t satisfy you, but here’s my main argument in five words: you can only marry one.
I usually share this unwelcome message from a stage where I can hear the audience react soberly. They know it’s true.
And you do too. After all, when you consider the hottest movie stars, models, or performing artists, is there just one that captures your eye? Only one? And the rest of those pretty faces (and bodies) you be like, meh.
Seriously?
Or how about the last time you looked at pornography. Were you on a mission, driven to lust after the same girl you had stared at in your previous dozen porn binges? (Does a porn binge even consist of just one girl?) Did you turn your nose up at all those other “wannabes,” because you had eyes only for her?
Of course not. You see, all that skin exposure hasn’t merely “raised our standards” for what we want in a wife, it’s trained us to demand variety, the one physical attribute no one woman could ever offer us.
However, I remember the first time I delivered this “you can only marry one” argument in a small group of guys, instead of from stage. That’s when one brave soul voiced the thought, “Well, I’d still like to date one and see how things go.”
Of course, we all laughed, because hey, we’re only human.
But one of the other guys in the group had the last word, “Trust me. I have been with several supermodels, and it didn’t satisfy me.” No, this guy wasn’t Brad Pitt, but he was the only potential GQ model in the group and a former MLB player, so I don’t think he was joking.
A Superficial Mindset
To be clear, I could make a plethora of other points about this supermodel marriage myth. I could talk about how the sexiest people don’t automatically enjoy the hottest sex. I could point out that if you marry a supermodel who winds up being a flaming narcissist, she won’t please you in bed or out.
Speaking of narcissism, I could even confront the infantile, self-absorbed mindset that would lead a man (like me or you) to believe he even deserved to have the hottest girl in the room. And not just have her as his wife, but have her please him in the bedroom every single night. And day.
But for this post I leave it here: even if you manage to win the heart of the most beautiful girl you’ve ever laid eyes on, you will still only be able to marry just her. And “just her” will never do for the man who’s driven to win the “trophy wife award.”
Why? Because the superficial mindset which compels us to compare one woman’s appearance to the next, until we determine who’s the hottest of all, is the very mindset that could never be satisfied with just one supermodel.
“Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied,” (Proverbs 27:20, KJV).
Giving Up the Supermodel Delusion
Want to give up this supermodel delusion? Then you’ve got to figure out how to break free from the media intake and pornography that’s feeding this fool’s hope–a myth that keeps millions of Christian men searching and Christian women single. That’s precisely what Covenant Eyes would like to help you do. Let them do that by checking out their services!
Then next up, you need to cast a vision for marriage that’s far bigger than guilt-free sex with a supermodel. And that’s where Future Marriage University comes in. You can read more about that on our Page of Manhood.
After reading this article I realize what a fool I have been for having this supermodel mindset for so long. It pains me to look at myself in the mirror. This mindset is so ingrained in me I feel like it can’t be destroyed and to be honest I feel like ending it all is the only option.
Thanks for your comment! I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. I want you to know that you were created in the image of God, and that makes your life valuable and meaningful. I know you must have suffered terribly, but your life is a precious treasure. Please seek help! There are people who can support and encourage you. If you are thinking about suicide, PLEASE call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. For counseling help you can also call Focus on the Family for a free consultation: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals/
Don’t loose heart!
Keith
Wow Annie, the link you gave is awesome!!!!
Joanne
I wish guys would remember these supermodels won’t stay super for too long. And from reading about the pressures of a woman, I can’t imagine what a supermodel would go through to attain this status and stay there for as long as possible.
I believe most men are clueless in the relationship area and don’t realize a genuine, Christ based relationship is what matters most. Men want hotness and horny which is extremely shallow and shortsighted; Satisfy me woman!
And this is where I was for years. It’s actually exhausting, waiting for my own wife to morph into Sexy Sex Chick.
Thank God for His mercy and patience! Having a real wife in a real relationship for years to come is heaven on Earth!
Amen to that, Bob! Keep cherishing her as you keep praying for other men’s eyes to be able to see true LASTING beauty!
“supermodels exemplify women’s beauty. I’m sure we can all agree on this.” Wow. Where to even begin.
The myth that “God designed men to be visual creatures” is just an excuse to get your ‘peek’ on. James (1:14, ESV), “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.” By shifting the emphasis to externals–such as objectifying a women’s body, you are missing the true battle of the flesh and offering an excuse for unGodly behavior.
Do not be fooled. My son married a “supermodel” and I truly like her. She is kind and a great wife and mom. But she has had LOTS of work done to “exemplify a woman’s beauty”. In her business, bodies are their ‘product’ and the end game is to make women feel inferior (unless they buy this outfit, shoes, or perfume) and attract men’s attention (so they buy this outfit, shoes, or perfume for their significant other). She has appeared on TV, film, and even Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions in less than modest clothing. When she enters a room, every man looks at her and as a result, every women feels less than adequate. When we are out together, men are constantly staring at her (and NOT with an appreciation of ‘God’s creation’) I have seen women shrink around her as their husbands, boyfriends and even dads gawk at her parts. My son has had to come to grips with the fact that men masturbate over her image. Rephrase: men are masturbating over his wife and his son’s mom. As a doctor, he has had to approach it from a worldly view point i.e.”Men are Visual Creatures” combined with an intellectual understanding of her anatomical makeup in order to deal with it.
The consequences of her chosen profession are now having an impact since she has been growing in her faith and given birth to a beautiful son. How can she raise him to view women as daughters of the most high God and not as objects? What will happen when his friends see those old photos of her? Having a father-in-law who is a recovering sex addict has opened her heart to self examination.
I suggest you read the following article for clarity:
http://www.pastordavidrn.com/files/DangerousMaleMyth.html
@Annie, thank you for your honest and heartfelt sharing about your son and his wife.
In this case, then – after having observed your son’s marriage as well as that of your own – if physical appearance is not *the* most important thing to look for in a spouse, what would say is?
Also, what do you think about the mindset that says, well, if I cannot marry a ‘supermodel’, why not find the ‘best looking’ (whatever that means) amongst the group of Christian singles I know.
Appreciate your thoughts and time.
@ Sam (et al)
Sam you ask an almost impossible question to answer — a good question — but it’s one that depends upon the VERY subjective interpretation of beauty and womanhood.
Let me start by saying my doctor son that I speak of (married to the supermodel) dated many beauties in the Hollywood sense of beauty. Most were arrogant, selfish, and intellectually lacking for his taste. My daughter-in-law is a graduate of the Pearson School of Design (intellect) was just accepted to law school, and came from southern breeding where good manners matter. They are both very strong Catholics so faith was important to him — but yet, I will admit he is shallow in the necessity of physical attraction.
Another one of my sons is former military, 101st Airborne, hard core tough guy who is a mama’s boy. He loves girls with tattoos, like to run and work out, musicians and artists, and is at home in a motorcycle church. They could not be any different in their approach to women. His current girlfriend is kind, soft spoken and precious. Not a Hollywood classic beauty but deep understanding eyes that are the window to her loving soul.
Then there is son #3. He works for the Navigators. He is a nerd. He shuns the above two ‘looks’ and is a guy who likes kind girls who share common interests with him, starting with Jesus Christ, then music, Pixar, Apple computers and good food. Nothing is as important as her heart and strength of convictions.
My husband is not the handsome hunky guy. I married the Drummer in a progressive rock band who I shared the Gospel with and he came to the Lord. Being a Christian was #1. Sharing interests and callings was #2. We had chemistry — but the thing is, we were friends for 9 years before we married. I was in music and theater and he grew up in a theater family and majored in music. But the most important thing to remember is that we were best friends.
I don’t disagree with you, but you must remember that God designed men to be visual creatures. God designed a woman’s body for beauty in order to visually stimulate men’s interest in them and supermodels exemplify women’s beauty. I’m sure we can all agree on this.
Thanks so much for commenting on my post! However, I would not agree that supermodels exemplify women’s beauty. In fact, I feel that viewing them that way is insulting to the other 90% of women who do not, nor could ever look like a supermodel (partly because even supermodels don’t look like supermodels in real life). My wife for example does not look like a supermodel, but the less I have stared at supermodels (not to mention the less I have lusted after them), the MORE attractive my wife has become to me, so that SHE is my personal epitome of beauty. I would urge you, to talk to other guys who have been happily married for 20+ years and find out if they believe looking to supermodels to exemplify woman’s beauty has helped them enjoy their wife and their marriage and sex life, or hindered it. I’d also encourage you to read this other post I’ve written for Covenant Eyes: https://www.covenanteyes.com/affiliates/idevaffiliate.php?id=997&url=937
“Supermodels exemplify women’s beauty”. Only physical beauty…unless their heart is submitted to obeying the Lord. Then she can have the inner beauty that only comes by dying to self and living for the Lord. This is the kind of beauty that we men should initially focus on. Physical beauty is fleeting, but a heart that’s submitted to the Lord will last.
We can all agree? That’s assuming on your part