A week or so ago I received an e-mail from a man whose wife passed away recently. They had been married for nearly 40 years. In his loneliness, he says, he fantasizes about times of intimacy with his wife and masturbates. He knows it would be wrong to fantasize about anyone else, but he wanted to know if he should abstain from fantasizing about his wife.
How would you advise a man like this?
I asked my friend Brad Hambrick to comment on this story. (During this vlog, Brad mentions his “grief resource” and his “false love” resource. These are nine-step, video-based seminars focused on grief and overcoming sexual sin, respectively. These are both excellent resources.)
There were several points I really appreciated about Brad’s response.
1. Differentiate between fantasy that comes from “yearning” and fantasy that feeds “burning.”
We can be aroused because of a yearning that longs for the companionship that sex provides. We can also be aroused because of a burning for physical sexual pleasure.
Brad says while the latter is a moral issue, the former should probably be understood as a wisdom issue. It is wrong to engage in acts of sexual lust. It is not necessarily “wrong” to be aroused by memories of companionship and sexual intimacy. But neither is it wise.
2. Satisfy your yearning in non-sexual ways
It is important for those who are grieving to satisfy their yearning for companionship in non-sexual ways. If we let our fantasies continually lead to masturbation, it only feeds the idea that sex is ultimate rather than just a good gift God has given to us: sex becomes an idol of sorts.
Furthermore, it complicates the grief process. According to Romans 7:2-3 and 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, a widow or widower is released from the law of marriage. The one who has passed on is no longer your spouse. The vow to be faithful “until death do you part” is fulfilled. To repeatedly fantasize about these moments of marital intimacy makes properly grieving this loss more difficult.
3. Learn to grieve; then learn self-control
Brad specifically recommends a widower to first grieve the loss of his wife. It is important to first feel God’s compassion in your loss. Then, as the grieving process progresses, learn how God wants to walk with you in the journey to self-control and freedom from lust.
I notice that advice given these days is from folks who are not in the situation of having an ill wife culminating in death.St Paul had to have married as he was a Pharisee, so he chose his fate. I didn’t have that choice.
I’ve been alone since 4/2019. We’d been married for 43 years and always had an active sexual life. I miss him so much. When I see his picture, or go into his work shop, the urges for sex come to me. There are other times too. I miss his touching me and the feeling he gave me while making love. I have worked through these urges for nearly 5 years, but lately they have gotten stronger and I really want to relax and fulfill them the only way I can alone. I know my husband is in Heaven and we will be together again. I struggle with that God many find this desire to be a sin. I’m so close to giving in to my urges. I never want to remarry. I was only 63 when my husband died in an accident. I know there’s no real answer so I pray.
After over 41 years of marriage to my second wife, and had been engaged before, and had many girlfriends also. I met an Angel. She showed me love I’ve never known or felt in my life before. I lost her late November 2021. I’m completely lost without her still. I dream about her, fantasize about her, and most of all miss her beyond belief. I held her hand as she died in a nursing home bed. I wish to join her in heaven when my time comes. Do I fantasize sexually…absolutely, and I do not use this as a crutch. I worshipped and adored her. How am I suppose to go on after all the years I was blessed long enough to be with her, and not feel intimacy towards her? We had a beautiful sex life, and she never ever refused me. She enjoyed our lovelife like none other too, even after being married herself before with a child. We both were the same. I had two kids also from previous marriage. So why is it wrong or sinful to want your late wife’s intimate memories to go on? I don’t fantasize every day, or all the time. But when I do, I feel so much love for her…I can’t explain it. And it is only love…not lust or sex…pure deep passionate love. And when I see an attractive young woman or even older woman, it always makes me think of my late wife. I do not lust after other women, and never have since day one. I guess I’m a one woman at a time man. Would never even think of another woman while with my significant other. Ever. We always trusted each other, cause we both came from cheating ex’s. So we knew exactly what we were looking for in a relationship and marriage. We had that, and the best wonderful times you could ever imagine. We had ups and downs and fights too, just like normal married couples, but we always apologized to each other after, cause we knew neither of us could stay mad at each other. We loved each other too much.
I am extremely grateful for the lifetime of love we shared. We always said, if we met sooner, we probably would have had a lot of children…I totally agreed. But now, after the devastating loss of my Angel, I’m beyond sad, depressed and lonely like never before in my life. I need my late wife’s memory to believe in. If and when the time comes, which I highly doubt at my age today, I should meet another, maybe someday I’ll be better, but if it doesn’t happen, at least I’ll know I’ve been loved…really loved…before I die.