It might have been the most traumatizing day of my dramatic 13-year-old existence. My mom took me to the mall, and, only after walking into the department store, announced that she planned on buying me a purity ring. To me, she might as well have hijacked the PA system and told the entire mall her daughter was a virgin. I pitched a royal hormonal teenager fit, and we left ringless.
Purity rings and pledges were all the rage when I was 13, but I was embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, and angry. I was a virgin, yes, but I had already lost my purity. Wearing a cute ring could never change that. The last thing I wanted was a shiny reminder of where I was supposed to be. I did not want one because I did not deserve to wear one. They were reserved for the pure, the chaste, the perfect; I was none of those.
My mother was crushed. In her heart, denying a ring was like saying, “No, Mom, I actually plan on having sex before I am married,” but that was far from the case.
Being a teenager during the “True Love Waits” movement meant purity rings in every magazine and purity pledges to sign and frame and hang on the wall. Yet, here we sit, in the aftermath of the “True Love Waits” movement, living together, divorcing, ‘hooking up,’ and more addicted to porn than ever before. The contracts are packed away gathering dust and the rings long since gone. My years of working with young women have taught me something. The purity ring approach does not work, and here’s why:
1. Purity is a heart choice.
With all the emphasis placed on abstinence, purity rings might well be renamed abstinence rings. Abstinence and purity are not the same. Purity actually has very little to do with sex. Sexual acting out is the ultimate manifestation of impurity. Anybody—Christian or not—can be abstinent. Purity is a heart attitude that affects how I live my life, not just how I use my body.
2. Purity requires God’s strength.
Because abstinence involves our physical interactions with another living, breathing, human being, it can be accomplished through sheer grit, determination, logic, or fear. Because purity is more personal and less visible, it requires the working of God’s Holy Spirit in our lives. It requires His grace and His enabling in order for us to live lives that honor and glorify Him.
3. Purity is not a one-time choice.
It is an important decision, yes, but it is also a daily decision. Purity is a daily, even moment-by-moment battle that is only getting worse. Preparation for that battle does not take place in one moment. Victory is not guaranteed because of choices you made yesterday. Sign all the contracts you would like, but the porn will not go away.
4. Purity is ultimately their decision.
We can be guilty of treating purity rings and contracts like the 21st Century chastity belt. You, the parent, have placed the ring on your daughter; therefore she must be pure. No. You have given your daughter a piece of jewelry; she has to choose to be pure.
5. Purity is a lifestyle, not simply a part of your life.
I call this Jesus-fish Syndrome. You slap a Jesus fish (Icthus) on your car and it makes no difference what you do in that car, people should be able to notice, by the Jesus fish, that you are, obviously, a Christian. I have seen the same happen with purity ring wearers. One young woman I taught was overtly sexual and immodest. When I tried to approach the subject with her, she stopped me and showed me her hand, “I have a purity ring,” as if it were her license to do whatever she liked. It was her proof that she was, in her opinion, pure, but her life spoke loudly to the contrary. That ring had provided her with a false sense of purity.
. . . .
That being said, purity rings can be a great reminder of a choice to remain pure, but are by no means a prerequisite for purity. Choosing to wear a purity ring or choosing to sign a pledge is not the same as choosing to be pure. Purity goes deeper than a fear of STDs or the whole ‘emotional super glue’ speech. It is more than waiting until your wedding night to have sex. Purity even goes deeper than promising to never look at porn again. Purity addresses how you approach and worship an Almighty and Holy God, and it is a choice you are helpless to make without Him.
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More Resources from Jessica:
- Visit Jessica’s ministry online: BeggarsDaughter.com.
- A Letter to Dad (From a Girl Who Got Trapped by Pornography)
- How Do I Kick Masturbation Addiction?
- Why Young Women are Now Being Drawn to Pornography (includes a three-minute video interview with Jessica)
My argument against purity pledges is they’re superfluous. I never took one. I’m still a virgin at 45. (All decent men get married before they’re 25. Too late after that. I was painfully shy as a young adult. Sigh.)
I made a pledge to obey God when I came to Jesus at age 6. Why is it so noble to not do something He has forbidden? Isn’t that what Christianity is about? If we love Him we’ll obey His commandments.
These purity pledges are like having a bunch of teenagers sign papers swearing not to commit armed robbery, then celebrating this pledge of self restraint. While others wail about how unreasonable it is to encourage kids NOT to commit bank robbery. Ridiculous.
If you want to get money out of the bank, set up an account, pay money into it and use it lawfully. Just like sexual relationships/marriages. The Bible makes no distinction between the two. Just our distrustful, faithless society.
First of all, I am so sorry that you felt forced into a purity ring! You are right! Purity and abstinence are both a choice of the individual and shouldn’t be forced on anyone! It’s not a parents job to take away a child’s free will. God created us with free will for a reason. I think purity rings are sometimes just used as an excuse to not have to have uncomfortable conversations with kids about how to be responsible with their bodies. Sex is so taboo that I feel like a lot of parents try to get out of discussing the issue by just giving the kids a purity ring and telling them that “mommy” and “daddy” will take care of it for them. I had a purity ring, and my parents tried to use it as an excuse to choose the guy I was supposed to marry. They didn’t like my boyfriend, and told me that I would be cursed if I didn’t listen to them. My dad went so far as to say that I had lost my innocence because I kissed my boyfriend when I had a purity ring. The main problem is that, if you don’t educate a kid on why it’s safest to be abstinent then they will end up listening to lies about preventing STIs and pregnancies. Whether they are abstinent until marriage or not, they still need to be told the truth about both of those things. I really feel like Christian parents should tell their kids that having sex is a responsibility. Young men and women should both be taught to treasure their bond during sex, and not treat it as just a way to experience a high. It’s an investment into a committed relationship!
I need advise, me and my friends made a covnant of no sex before marriage we even have purity rings when we were 15years old now that we are growing we find oursalves facing the same challenges at the same time….disappointments, stacknation and so o, so I dont know whether is it caused by the convnant we made 7years ago
Purity rings are another aspect of the works-based mindset that is so tempting to everyone, even Christians who believe they are grace based. So is the “Courageous Resolution” or the “Love Dare” push by Kendrick brothers movies. These are essentially acts of virtue signaling designed to draw attention to the individual rather than to God. Christian leaders use them as marketing gimmicks. Look at all the marketing associated with Fireproof, Courageous and War Room. Purity balls and purity rings are only good for selling more product.
Mitch, I do not agree that the movies you mention are a marketing gimmick. I truly believe they can have a major impact on many non believers who are then inspired and drawn to God, and to live a Godly life.
Dawn
How about some data, rather than your opinion? You’re coming from a dark place and that’s not necessarily where all these girls are.
I almost didn’t read this. I thought it was going to be something bashing abstinence until I saw the website. Oh but I am so glad I did! I am a 29 year old virgin, but was looking for something to encourage my heart because I have the body part down and God MUST have led me to this! Thank you so much for writing this! We all need this reminder – purity is about God doing something through us and not really what we can do or not do ourselves. Awesome!!! Thank you!
My son is wanting to larticipate in a purity ceremony at his youth group. Hos father and i are happy about his decision to do this. This article was very good for me to read and i will be sharing your wisdom in a card i give to him on ceremony night. Thank you for sharing.
Matt,
Sorry I couldn’t reply to your comment directly, but I want to encourage you to remember the audience. This post is written to parents. Parents who think that slapping a ring on their kid gives them some kind of ‘forcefield of purity.’ Instead of sitting down and actually talking with their children about sex, and talking about boundaries, and the all-encompassing nature of purity, they start and end the conversation with a ring and pledge, and that’s not right.
I actually spoke with my old youth pastor about this. He still pastors in the church where I grew up. In a church where purity rings are still a big deal. He did an anonymous survey of his youth group. 90% of the students said their parents had never talked to them about sex. About the same percentage of his students had some type of purity ring: guys and girls both. So here we have a continuing generation of children whose parents have skirted their God-given responsibility to teach and train their children- to teach them how to walk uprightly, how to respect the other gender, how to embrace a lifestyle of purity. Instead, these parents expect a ring and promise to ‘protect’ their children. It’s a shame-based culture of sexual abstinence. The only message they hear about sex is “don’t do it.” If you fail, you are unworthy of the ring; you have broken your promise; you have disappointed your parents, you can’t wear white; you are less-than. Or, on the other hand, you have teenagers who wear them anyway, and then go out and have sex behind the church (true story) and when caught say, “I would never do that. I am wearing a purity ring!”
I have no problem with purity rings. I have a problem with them being used as an excuse for parents not to do their jobs or when they are used by Christian communities as a whole as a proof of virginity. They don’t mean anything if the heart is not behind it, and parents cannot make heart decisions for their children.
You are so right! This should be a decision made by the child, my parents never even told me about this commitment but through their lives they’ve taught me to live a pure and holy life (even without a purity ring). Now that I am 22 I have decided on my own to participate in a purity ring vow with other young adults at my church in November. And clearly it’s not about the ring since I’ve been working at it and trying my best since I’ve known what a pure life is. Thank God for grace!