Ella Hutchinson specializes in counseling wives of sex addicts. In this 3-part blog series, she looks at common questions these wives ask. (Read Part 1 of the series.)
#3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Beyond the intimacy issue, pornography offers the thrill of what is forbidden. The more taboo, the more exciting. This is why a porn addict may progress to looking at more hardcore porn and even pornography involving aspects that a healthy person would consider offensive and grotesque.
Gary Wilson, human sciences instructor, and Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, state,
The uniqueness of Internet porn can goad a user relentlessly, as it possesses all the elements that keep dopamine surging. The excitement of the hunt for the perfect image releases dopamine. Moreover, there’s always something new, always something kinkier. Dopamine is released when something is more arousing than anticipated, causing nerve cells to fire like crazy. In contrast, sex with your spouse is not always better than expected. Nor does it offer endless variety. This can cause problems because a primitive part of your brain assumes quantity of dopamine equals value of activity, even when it doesn’t. Indeed, porn’s dopamine fireworks can produce a drug-like high that is more compelling than sex with a familiar mate.
#4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
I hear this a lot and it is called justification. Your husband doesn’t want to believe he is sick. If he is not ready to admit he is an addict and take responsibility for his own behavior, he will say anything to convince you, and even himself, that he does not have a problem. Blaming you is an easy way to save face.
As I said earlier, there is nothing you could do to be appealing enough to make your husband stop looking at porn. I see very beautiful women whose husbands no longer desire them. I am currently working with a couple where the wife looks like she belongs on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine or on a model runway. Her husband has finally admitted to her that he is physically repulsed by her. I have another couple who has sex every day, yet she still catches him looking at porn and frequenting adult bookstores. There is simply no credibility to the argument that a wife causes or contributes to her husband’s use of pornography.
#5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
It is unfortunate, but true, that pornography use is overwhelmingly common. This does not make it okay or mean you should turn a blind eye. I often hear women say that their husband’s porn use makes them feel cheated on. This makes sense. When a man uses porn he is finding sexual satisfaction from someone other than his wife. So the betrayal a woman feels is natural. God created sex to be between a man and his wife. Jesus said that looking at a woman with lust is the same as committing adultery with her in his heart. Looking at porn is purposely choosing to lust.
#6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
In short, you cannot make him stop. It usually takes something significant to get a man to the point where he is ready to admit his porn addiction. This is what they call “hitting rock bottom.” Sometimes, for a man who has hidden his porn use for years, just getting caught is enough. But more often, it takes losing his job, his wife leaving him, or another monumental event to shake him to the core and wake him up to reality. It may be his porn use progressing to acting out with another person or other people and facing the multiple possible consequences of this, to cause him to recognize his need for help.
You can insist your husband stop his porn use and you have every right to do so. The compulsive use of porn will, without exception, do damage to your marriage and your family. It affects a person’s sense of right and wrong. It can cause your husband to lose respect for you. You will likely feel him pulling further away from you and your family as he gets more entrenched in this sinful lifestyle. If he refuses help, it will only get worse. Your pleading that he stop will fall on deaf ears if he isn’t ready to hear it. This is a harsh reality, but one too many women just do not get. Some women beg and plead for decades until they grow cold and bitter. Then they tell me that they wish they had left years ago and feel they have wasted most of their life.
When porn is an issue, it is likely that extramarital affairs are or will become an issue. This means you are at risk of more than the heartache of discovering your husband has been sexual with another person. You are also at risk of STDs or your husband fathering another woman’s child (something I have seen happen several times). Additionally, your children are almost guaranteed early exposure to porn, something that was likely a contributing factor in your husband’s addiction.
Read Part 3 for the answer to the last question:
Question #7: Is there hope? Can a man like this change?
Obviously it’s never the wife’s fault. Regardless of whether she is sexually inhibited, uses sex for leverage etc. When it comes to husbands, they are always personally responsible for their own decisions; when it comes to wives, it’s never their fault. I think I got the point; thanks for the insight.
A man is responsible for himself. How he manages his own sexuality is his personal responsibility.
Similarly, a woman is responsible for herself. This includes, but is not limited to: the kinds of sex acts she prefers (even if other people might call her inhibited), when and here and for how long she prefers to have sex. A woman is never, ever required to give sex or sex acts to another person. Sex is only healthy with FULL CONSENT by both partners.
Sexual coercion of any type, whether by bible verses, guilt and shaming, or any other method, is a form of rape.
It took me so long to understand why our sex life was so rare until a few nights ago. While our little son was sick with headache vomiting in middle of the night for a second time that night and since I was staying in boys bedroom to be with sick kid. While I worried sick run to our room to tell him that I have to take our child to ER, I see empty bad in our room, computer light and on a screen naked women and porn. I ignored it. Took kid to hospital and that day I was sick all day with my migraines. In night time when kids were asleep I took a calming medicine to not yel at him talked nice and calm. When I asked him when was the last time that we had sex, he couldn’t remember that was on Valentine’s day 8 months ago. After 17 years of having sex once in a year, in a few months and only when and I always take initiative I realized porn is killing my marriage. I look very sexy and good, he is very overweighted. I told him that I can’t comper with porno stars but that also I love him how he is and will try whatever he likes and try to make him happy. He of course, said that it was for some his friend movie and that it’s not true. He is just tired. I was thinking that he is gay, but he hates them, that he is cheating, but he was judging his friends and telling me about it. I knew it’s not me, but until now I didn’t know that it is porn. So many times I saw porn but I didn’t take it seriously. Guys need that, but not to change virtual sex for real. I was devastated, depressed, couldn’t see the reason why he doesn’t want me when I wan’t him all the time always. Now that I want to talk to him, he is telling me that it’s not true and putting blame on me. We have 2 beautiful kids, I love him and I wish if I could help him and save our marriage. I am afraid that after so many years I will loose energy and it will end up with a divorce.
Tina, I’d suggest that you find a counselor FOR YOU who can help you process through your emotions and work on healthy boundaries in your marriage. Here and here are some articles on boundaries to help you start thinking about that.
If your husband wants to work on his part, he can find a counselor for himself as well. I would NOT suggest marriage counseling until he has worked on his own issues.
Peace to you, Kay
I have been married for nine years. My husband and I both work in ministry. I found out the first year of marriage that he was addicted to porn although I did not understand what that meant. I left him three years ago and he stopped and swore it was over. It was not. The Lord has been merciful and drawn me closer to Him, easing the pain, taking the anger and giving me grace and mercy for my husband. However, we do not have sex. It began with my feeling defied every time we were intimate, I literally felt sick to my stomach. The Lord did bring through that, however today my husband is unable to perform sexually. I am told this is normal. He also refuses to get help, saying God will take it when he is ready. I love my husband, i am not angry because of his addiction, I am angry because after 9 years he still refuses to get help. I hurt for him and the bondage he is in. But we are room mates. I miss intimacy. I dont want to leave him again because he is my best friend, but I dont want to live this way anymore. I am so at a loss as to what to do. I pray a lot, and I trust God for my life. I do however know we have a choice as individuals as to if we are going to walk in the will of God for our lives…and my husband is not.
Wow, Amanda, I am so, so sorry for all the years of pain you’ve suffered. It sounds like he is sunk pretty far into denial and rationalization. I hear this so often–and for some reason especially this week!–that I just wrote a piece about it on my own blog.
As miserable as you are, your husband is just as miserable–you’re right, he’s in bondage and it’s taking a physical toll on his body with the ED. (That is NOT normal–further rationalization!)
I think the bottom line is for you to decide what your boundaries need to be, and stick with them. Painful as that may be for you. You might need to stop holding it all together, let it fall apart, and trust God for the future no matter what that looks like.
I can really relate to your story, because we were missionaries overseas when my husband’s porn use came out. I think the best thing that happened was that the mission agency found out, and he couldn’t hide it any more and he was forced to deal with it. It was awful! It felt like crawling over broken glass for a couple of years. But, in the end, we’ve got a real relationship and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world. I’m really, truly grateful.
I don’t know what’s ahead for you, but I know God loves you and that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond anything we could ever ask, think, or even imagine.
You are never, ever out of his hands and neither is your husband. Blessings Kay
Hello. I’ve known for sometime that my husband of nearly 4 years and the father of my two toddler children is addicted to various sexual things. It’s arisen quiet a few times where I’ve found irrefutable evidence of him spending money on cyber sex and dating sites. Using porn for long lengths of time after I go to bed (like 5 hours straight.) And he tends to watch things that disturb me greatly. Recently I thought we were doing so very well! Making so many positive changes and growing together, working as a team, being happy. Till I found downloaded porn on the computer. Right next to the leap frog videos for our children.. And it’s the disturbing porn. Like hardcore rape gangbangs. At this point I don’t know what to do. It seems pointless to talk about it since its a subject that’s pushed us to the brink of divorce many times and nothing has changed. I absolutely want to work through this but my heart is just feeling a little dead from it. We have sex several times a week. I know that I’m quiet attractive. And I know this is not my fault. But if he refuses to admit there is a problem. He knows what will happen. As soon as I finish my schooling and have a job I can support my children properly, I will leave. And he seems to have simply accepted that I will leave him. Is there any hope?
Jennifer, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now. It’s just heartbreaking for you, your husband, and your children. I’m so glad you’re able to see that it’s not your fault. He is caught up in his choices, and that is his responsibility.
Is there any hope? Well, I think there is always hope. I do think that people can change. I’ve seen my own husband change from somebody who couldn’t stop being obsessed with porn into a person who takes responsibility for himself, and cares deeply for me and our relationship.
Even if people choose not to change, however, there is still hope. Even if you have to leave, even if divorce follows, there is still hope. God is never, ever out of options for us, even when everything falls apart and we don’t know what’s next. God does know. He has been before us, he knows every breath before we take it, he promises never to leave us or forsake us. You could never abandon your two children, and he can’t abandon you. Your name is written in the palms of his hands. Nothing can separate you from his love.
Of course this is terribly difficult and painful and anxiety-producing and world-shifting. But under that, is this firm foundation: Love that never lets us go. Live and move and have your being in that Love, and know that there is always hope in that Love.
Praying for you today, Kay
My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years. He promised me he would stop but kept lying to me about it. I have depression and self-esteem problems. I have since I was 5. He physically can see it hurting me but still won’t stop or get help. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of hurting so bad because I don’t look like those girls but I don’t want to leave. I’m scared if this keeps up I may attempt suicide again.
Hey Brittaney, I am so sorry for the pain you’re in. I want to urge you to find help and support for yourself TODAY. Please reach out just for you, no matter what your husband does or doesn’t do. You need help, and there is help! Personal counseling sounds like it would be a great fit right now. You might also find support in an online group like xxxChurch, or in a group like Pure Desire, Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or even Al Anon if that’s all you can find in your area.
I would also encourage you to think about what healthy boundaries might look like for you, going forward. Our free download, Hope After Porn, tells the stories of several women in situations like yours, and the steps they took toward recovery. Another place to look for ideas is this reading list of our most popular posts for women.
The point of all this is: you are not alone. There is help. As painful and difficult as this is right now, I want to tell you, as someone who has been there, that recovery is absolutely possible. Please don’t give up on life and hope, when there are people just waiting for you to reach out.
Please reach out for help today.
If you’re feeling like harming yourself right now, you can call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255. Of course you can always call local law enforcement for help as well, 911.
Please take care of yourself and let me know how you’re doing. Kay
All the advise I have been reading lately around here is written by women. No wonder it’s so one sided. As a man how about I bring up a few points these women authors always leave out. Many men result to porn to fill a void in their sex lives because they either don’t have a sex partner at all, or even worse, their sex partner becomes selfish and starts using sex as a primary manipulation tool. Do as she wants and get sex or do without. Women like that hate Porn because it takes that reward or punishment away from their manipulation tool arsenal. Without it they loose their power to CONTROL their partner and get their way! So . . . bottom line. When women stop using sex as a manipulation tool, maybe porn, extramarital affairs and the like will not be such an issue.
Hey there, Pete. While I don’t deny women (and men) can use sex as a weapon for manipulation and control, I highly doubt when one partner stops this the other partner will automatically give up the pornography. You see, it works both ways: just as someone can use sex to manipulate another person, someone else can use porn to create a fantasy world where they are in the driver’s seat. For healthy marriages to exist, both partners need to recognize their attempts to use sexual desire (whether in actual sex or in pornography use) as a means to control their world.
That said, as men, let’s not vocalize the pandering nonsense that we can justify using porn because of the way someone else has hurt us sexually. (I’m not sure if that’s what you’re saying here, Pete, but it could be taken that way.)
I love my husband. I want him to be intimate and make love to me. I want him to want me as much as i want him. I want sex almost daily. He watches porn almost daily. There is a theme of stepmom with younger stepson. I offer him oral sex frequently. This is because that is the only sex I get with him. He told me I was a chore and took too Long to orgasm. I have no clue as to what he means. I love to orgasm and can do it 2-3 times when we have had sex. I love being intimate with him. I think he is wonderful in bed. And I have NEVER used sex as a way to control him. I feel embarressed, humiliated, ugly and undesirable. My self esteem has plummeted. I just want him to love me as I love him. To me sex is beautiful and makes a marriage what it should be. Becoming as one. I want a happy life with my sweet husband. Why does he prefer porn instead of me?
Joyce, I am so sorry about the pain you’re feeling in your marriage right now. I hope you can take a step back from the situation here, and see that your husband’s choices IN NO WAY reflect on you. In fact, the story that you’re sharing here is a very common one: when men become addicted to porn, they lose sight of reality. That is NOT YOUR FAULT. That is a fairly natural chemical process that’s happened as a result of your husband’s choice to look at so much porn. Please try to see this as HIS CHOICE, and not your fault.
Here’s what I think you can do at this point: YOU take responsibility for YOU. Get the help that you need to process through the painful emotions you’re feeling. Get the help you need to create healthy boundaries in this relationship. Find a counselor who can help you through this. Find a group–S Anon, Celebrate Recovery, xxxChurch–where you can be supported.
You may not be able to control his choices, but you can be responsible for your own. Choose health and life and joy and peace for yourself. I promise you, there is recovery for you beyond this pain, no matter what your husband chooses.
Call a hotline if you need help right now: 1 (800) 273-8255 is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
Blessings, Kay
If husband’s loved their wives as they should, women wouldn’t feel they needed to resort to those things!
Reading all the comments has made me realise/accept my husband is addicted to porn. I’ve been trying to make excuses for his behaviour for years. Things have recently come to a breaking point. The lengthy visits to the bathroom with his iPad (I’ve caught him masturbating several times, quite openly and at any time of day) led me to having a look at recent sites viewed. Yup, all porn. When i told him I’d done so it blew up into a massive row ending with him leaving the house. All my fault of course. To try fix things we went away for a weeks break…. The masturbation behind closed doors came with us. Yet any second of intimacy was like a grudge match. I’m tired, of the lies, of being blamed. I love my husband but feel so humiliated and hurt. Not sure its worth the effort anymore. Not sure he’d mind if i wasn’t around..
Hi Willow. I’m so, so sorry for all the pain you are in right now. I’m so glad you found us here, though! I don’t know how far you’ve looked around on the website here, but there are lots of resources that might help as you consider the road ahead. First of all, you might appreciate this free download, Hope After Porn, which is the stories of four different women and their journeys to healing. I don’t know if your husband is willing to consider resources at this point, but here’s an article you could pass along to him. The main thing I want you to know is, he can get better. It’s a ton of hard work, and he has to choose to do the work, and it takes time, but addiction can be broken. Meanwhile, you’ll need support along the way. I found personal counseling to be really helpful to me, and other friends of mine have had good success with groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous or Pure Desire. It’s still such a hard thing for us to talk about openly, isn’t it? I wish it were easier! I think the isolation of it makes it worse. Let me know if those resources help, or if I can point you in some other directions. Blessings, Kay