Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
Im glad I found this. It is very helpful to me just knowing I am not alone in the way I’m feeling. I noticed my husband being secretive with his phone last week. I would walk in and he would quite obviously be doing something he didn’t want me to see. After a couple days of it eating away at me I confronted him. He told me he was watching porn and he was worried if I found out I would be mad. I was So hurt. It started to turn into a fight and I just couldn’t continue with our conversation. It is consuming my thoughts and I just can’t bring myself to talk to him about it again.
Hi Kim. It’s totally normal for you to feel hurt and angry in this situation. However, it’s going to be important to talk with your husband again, with the goal of UNDERSTANDING what’s going on with him, and what he is willing to do to work on his recovery. Think through what you need to know, make a list, and make a time to ask those questions. Preface that conversation with, “I need to understand what’s going on. I’ll work hard to stay calm, and I’m asking you to be honest with me.”
He will need to be in charge of his own recovery: filtering/monitoring software, accountability, counseling just for him, if it’s been a long-standing serious habit.
You will need support in your own process: a counselor just for you, to help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Groups are great support for spouses, also.
You might like to read our free download, Hope After Porn, and he can read Your Brain on Porn. I also really love this recent article from The Gottman Institute about how porn harms intimacy in marriage.
Hope those things help. Peace to you, Kay
My husband watch porn and mostly looks at sexy girls on fb etc then he delete the history and got caught while doing it.I’m 21 yrs old n have a 2 yrs old lil daughter.
I feel so insecure and hopeless I blame my self thinking I’m not pretty enough for him and that’s why he looks at other girls. I can’t trust him at all every time I try to trust him he keeps on betraying me I feel so let down. I told him so many times how I feel when he looks at porn etc he says sorry n not do it again but he does it again it’s like he doesn’t care about my feelings. Everytime I try talking to him about it he just doesn’t talk at all and try to change the subject. He says he loves me but I don’t think he does everyday I live in fears. I don’t know how to overcome theses issue I really need help any tips will be great.
Hi Tahmina.
First of all, your husband’s choices are his choices. They are not your fault. Men who choose porn will choose porn no matter what their wives look like or how much their wives give them sex. When a man wants to focus on his marriage, he can choose that too.
Secondly, you are responsible for you in this marriage. You’ve already learned that you can’t force him to change. But you can choose to have healthy boundaries. You can decide what works for you and what doesn’t. You can find a counselor and a group, and process through your feelings in healthy ways. No matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy.
In addition to the links above, you might want to read Hope After Porn, a free download where women in situations like yours talk about recovery and how that worked for them.
Peace to you, Kay
Im going through the exact same thing.. I feel so comforted after reading this and feel there really is hope for me… Thank You for writing.. :)
Trust me, men are porn maniacs. A trust once broken cannot be mended. I fell victim to this like all ladies here and I deeply feel bad sorrowful for all. I came out of this by starting loving GOD. I keep telling my 3 yrs old daughter that she must not marry and must serve god and the poor. I am more into charity and religious thoughts because God is the only one who gives unconditional love like most of our parents. Don’t believe men and again get disappointed. Its their natural trait to act like a stray dog. Instead of fuming about it , start loving yourself, your parents and our kids. they deserve your time and love. Pray to god for soul realization and salvation. One final piece of truth which I keep telling over it “As you sow so shall you reap” we are destined to suffer due to these men’s acts. Men won’t change, let us change for our health and happiness. everything is unreal except his highness.
Hey there. I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much pain in your marriage. It’s heart-breaking when this happens.
We do hear many stories of broken trust and broken marriages here. That is a reality, and we don’t deny or minimize the great pain that women suffer. We encourage women to have good boundaries, and that includes leaving abusive marriages when necessary.
However, we do hear stories here of marriages that are restored. Change is absolutely possible, and a reality for many, many men. Restored trust is absolutely possible for wives. The key to resotration in a relationship is personal responsibility. A man who’s willing to do the work in recovery to put porn behind him, and a woman who’s willing to do the work in recovery to process emotions and build healthy boundaries. Here’s a link to our free download, Hope After Porn, that tells several stories like that. Here’s my own story of how my husband rebuilt trust in our marriage.
I think part of the problem we have with porn today is this cultural idea that men are incapable of emotional connection, that they are only capable of lust. When that’s a strong belief in families, it really puts men in a difficult position. They’ve been told they can’t deal with emotions and they’re full of lust, so when they have emotions, porn is a place they turn for relief. I think if we’re really going to have cultural healing around this issue, we’ve got to change the way we talk about men, the way we talk to men, the way we disrespect the ability of men to do hard emotional work.
I think we are all, men and women, capable of personal responsibility. We are all, men and women, capable of difficult emotional work. We are all, men and women, capable of respect toward one another. We are all, men and women, capable of seeing each other as brothers and sisters created in the image of God, rather than objects to be used for our own momentary pleasure.
And when our culture moves in that direction, I believe that pornography will cease to have such a hold on us all.
Whatever your husband’s choices have been, you can be healthy for yourself. I would encourage you to find a safe place to process the pain and anger you understandably feel right now. Find a counselor. Get into a group like Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxchurch.
Blessings, Kay
I am so glad I came across this post. I found out about my husband’s porn problem in April of this year. He had been watching porn on his phone for 3-4 months. I caught him, and he denied at first, but finally came clean. I have cried so much for the past few months that I’m afraid I won’t ever feel happy again. This kind of sadness is so lonely. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. I married him when I was 18, and he is the only man I have ever been with. That being said, I just can’t understand what I did to cause this. We have a very active sex life and it just blows my mind that he could have the energy for porn. He says it had nothing to do with me, of course, and has apologized profusely. We have cried together, and I have forgiven him, for the most part. I really just want to be able to trust him again. He works night shift, so when he gets home, I am sleeping. He now leaves his phone on the nightstand and reads his bible before coming to bed. I really, really want my relationship with my husband to grow from this and I really want to believe that he is done with it. He gave me passwords to his email and he no longer keeps his phone hidden. I really do believe that he is sincere..it’s just hard to ignore that nagging little voice that tells you that you aren’t enough and he will go back to it.
Hey Ashley. I’m so glad you found Covenant Eyes! First of all, let me confirm what your husband told you already: HIS PORN USE IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT. These are choices he made, and he can make healthier choices in the future–but it will be up to him.
I don’t know if you’re aware of the stats on porn use these days–but one of the most important things you can do for yourself–and for your husband–is to be informed about the reality of porn use, and of the realities of what recovery looks like. Keep reading! Here’s a listing of our most popular posts for spouses. Hope After Porn is another free download, for wives.
It sounds like your husband wants to make changes, which is fantastic. However, it’s really important for both of you to know that there’s more to it than good intentions. It’s hard work to change a habit like this, and he’s going to need help and support to get it done. Here’s an article he might appreciate. And here’s our most popular free download for men, Your Brain on Porn. Hopefully he’ll also be open to installing Covenant Eyes software on all his devices, too.
The good news is, your relationship can be better than ever–that’s my story of life after porn! It does take work on our part as spouses, too, though–processing through those emotions is essential. Many times I see men getting help but the wives not, and then the guys are better but the wives aren’t. So I’d strongly suggest that you find a personal counselor to help you through. Groups are also a great option for both partners: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon.
Blessings Kay
Just because you put your trust in God doesn’t mean you wont feel the pain. We see this through the sufferings of Christ. When God allows suffering to enter our life it can be a blessing in disguise as long as we don’t use sin to alleviate the pain. Such as, having an affair bc our spouse did, or lusting after others bc our spouse did, abusing alcohol, using the world as a means to ignore the issue or bury it deep within etc. For those who allow themselves to suffer and find no comfort in others or the outside world, well, consider yourself blessed.
My boyfriend and I used porn in our relationship in the beginning. We did it together so I didn’t see any trouble in it. Little did I know how much of a hold it had on him. When we moved in together, over the course of the first 3 months, I “caught” him watching porn and masturbating. I felt like I was being left out of the loop, so I would try to jump in and “finish” the work. It wasn’t until one night when I went to bed before him and woke up to see the back of his chair facing the bed and him watching porn and masturbating. This was the turning point. I began to read books aloud to him about the effects of it and what not and it scared him so much to where he stopped for a good 5 1/2 months. Then it came back. It has been a little over two years that we have been living together and he is not the man he was back then. He still struggles at times with the temptation and how easily Satan gets into his head to even want to start to look. I know it will take time for him to conquer this addiction through God, but I am still having the hardest time letting go and letting God. Even since that one night I woke over 2 years ago, I still do no go to bed before he does. I have told him in the past how much it hurts me when he does. I do not fly off the handle anymore like I used to when he comes to me and tells me he has stumbled again. Yet I cannot seem to let go of the hurt and let it go to God and let him handle it. The things that go through my mind when I think he may be “being bad” when he is most likely not because I find out later in our conversations about his day, I think to myself, “oh, he was in a meeting, thats why he didnt answer my text. He wasnt in the bathroom at work doing that after all.” and I feel like an idiot, but I will go back to that way of thinking all the time. Please. Please give me some advice as to what to do. We have talked about getting married and Im afraid that if I cannot get past the hurt and always wondering what hes doing, etc., it will ruin this relationship.
Hey there. I’m so glad you wrote in, because I think you’re asking a question that a lot of women deal with: what do I do with the pain, and how do I get past the hurt?
I think the first part is making sure you’re in a trustworthy relationship. He needs to be doing his part: filtering his internet, doing accountability, going to a group, whatever he needs to do toward recovery.
The other part is for you to get the help you need for your own pain. Most women are traumatized by the discovery of porn in their relationship. Even in situations like yours, where it starts out consensual! When it moves into that secretive, addictive world, it’s a betrayal of the relationship, and that’s highly traumatizing. In fact many women will meet the criteria for PTSD in these circumstances. It sounds like you have quite a few anxiety symptoms around this, including intrusive thoughts and negative thinking.
My very best advice to you is: GO TO THERAPY FOR YOURSELF. Get some support, talk with someone who can help you with the anxiety, with the betrayal, with the grief that you feel. You need a safe person to process with, and to help you think through your next decisions in a healthy way. I find that often times the relationship has moved forward, the husband/boyfriend may be recovering well, but the spouse/partner is still dealing with a lot of emotional pain, because the emphasis is so much on the guy’s recovery.
So please, reach out for help just for you!
Dear Ashley, I’ve been reading your stories and I truly empathise with you. I hope what I have to say, as a married man, will bring some hope and comfort to those who have had an experience like yours.
I’ve been married to the same woman for 25 years, have four children, watch porn, and I have never cheated on her.
I guess you’re assuming your husband watches porn because he wishes he could be with someone else, and that you’re not his “ideal lover”. This is not necessarily true, and I believe men watch porn for a variety of reasons. Curiosity, to laugh at it, plain old sex addiction, to compare themselves with other people, are amongst the many. I have a very specific reason and I’ll tell you what it is.
When we first met and married, we had a loving and committed relationship, and what I thought was a great sex life. A number of years after we got married she started making references to male genitalia that shocked me. Not the sort of thing you would expect from the significant other in a fairy-tale marriage. They were subtle at first but became less so with time. Things like “size matters”, “the bigger the better”, etc., without actually saying what the phrases pertained to. There was a social occasion when a young lady hinted that her boyfriend was “well endowed” and my wife’s reaction was to say “you lucky, lucky girl”. The knockout punch came a few days later: I asked her how much of something she wanted and she replied “8 inches” (the answer should have been in spoonfuls). The meaning was obvious and unmistakeable. Well, I’m too average to be in the “8 inch club”, something she is very well aware of. It was the end of the world for me. She wasn’t happy with my equipment. I confirmed my worst fears about the average woman’s preferred genital size by consulting a well known sexuality web site. I reeled – what was she trying to tell me, and why? What good could come of it?
As far as I was concerned, fantasizing about, and longing for a man with large equipment was as good as cheating. It was her impulse that was offensive to me. She has the self-discipline not to act on it, but I don’t see much value in that. What good is a marriage when your wife thinks your penis is not big enough and lusts after someone with something bigger? I started watching porn to see what it was that I couldn’t give my wife. And boy, did I find it – men with horse-sized equipment making women gasp and squeal. Please excuse the graphic description, but I think it’s necessary to describe my state of mind. I started thinking I was useless and pathetic in the man department and developed a powerful masochistic addition to porn: it makes me feel humiliated but I keep going back because it gives me some release, a kind of catharsis after which I feel better. It’s as if I’m wishing to see a man do the same things to my wife in order to conclude this ongoing crisis – every time I watch porn, I humiliate myself by replacing the woman in the movie with my wife and imagining how much she would enjoy it. A psychologist might call it a form of Stockholm syndrome. This is the only reason I watch porn, and it is essentially a form of emotional self-harming. I think extreme emotional pressure can make people behave in strange ways – I didn’t think this could happen to me and I’ve been very surprised by the whole thing. I have a suspicion that a (perhaps milder) version of my affliction is what drives many men to watch porn. Experienced psychiatrists and psychologists acknowledge there is a very fine line between pleasure and pain in sexuality. I just found myself on the other side of that line, and it’s killing me.
I don’t know when or how this is going to end. I live on antidepressants, tonics and vitamins. Some days I just wish I wasn’t alive and pray to God to take me from this hell hole . It’s tantalising to think that there just a few words my wife could say to make it all better, but I don’t expect to hear them anytime soon. I know exactly what I would like to hear her say but it’s no use trying to get her to say them, it has to come from her spontaneously. She has no idea. The schism is bottomless.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am not saying to end your marriage, but I will say there are women out there who do not care about size. Me being one of them. My ex husband was “decent size” and yes it was fun, however, I am now with my boyfriend of almost 3 years who is smaller than my ex and I will tell you that I am very happy with his size. It really is all in how you use it and what you do with it. A woman who wants the big kahuna is living on fantasy that she may have seen herself in a movie or porn herself. I don’t know. But please know that you are loved by God and you are perfect in His eyes. He made you the way you are. He doesn’t make mistakes. I hope this comments finds you well.