Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
Why is it when they look at Porn? They make it someone else’s fault. Why is that?
Because they don’t want to accept the fact that they have become slaves to their own desires, and they don’t want to admit fault.
I have been with my fiance almost 3 years. We recently gave birth to our son who is one month old. I am so glad I found this site because i thought there was something wrong with me been so against my fiance looking at porn and nude women all the time. It has been an issue in our relationship because I found porn, chat sites with nude women in the early days of dating him. WhenI confronted him I was told that he just got sent links and he never registered to it – In my heart I knew he was lying but I really wanted to make things work. I even agreed to watching porn with him a few months ago and it was like playing with fire, because I opened a door that would never be closed. I did enjoy it at first but it took over because he suggested it everytime we had sex. I then told him I wasnt comfortable because it felt like I wasnt getting the emotional connection from him as i felt before all this started. It was just sex. Now that i dont do it anymore and told him im not comfortable with it, our sex life has changed. We hardly have sex. When we do its quick, and im left there feeling ugly and covering my body after and when having sex. He clears all his internet history ad i have found him looking porn sites before. I know he still looks at it and although he denys it and tells me im been stupid and insecure, that i have a problem with myself. Im still with him. Its however pushing me away now and i can feel my pain and hurt im feeling is drawing me to depression. :(
Given your fiance’s comparative openness and lack of repentance about his porn use, I recommend you both read The Porn Circuit. He may not realize just how he’s tearing you apart inside, but seeing the science of what his porn use is doing to him may help wake him up.
You should also read Porn and Your Husband, and begin setting distinct boundaries with him. This may even require an ultimatum: that he measurably demonstrates that he is stopping his porn use, or you leave. And make sure you follow through with it. Don’t return to him (other than to let him spend time with your son) unless he takes measurable steps. It sounds harsh, but you shouldn’t spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t respect you more than he respects the women of porn, and calling off a wedding is a lot less expensive than a divorce.
Hey ladies. I am reaching out desperately for some comfort and support. The first time I caught my husband he sincerely apologized and promised on our marriage to never do it again. And now he broke the promise along with my trust for him and has gotten caught again. He hasn’t even apologized or acted like he cares this time. I am so hurt and need help.
You might consider reading this free book for women in your situation: Porn and Your Husband.
I found out my husband was looking at porn and was devastated. I also found that co-workers had sent images to his phone and he kept them there. The man I thought I had married was not who I thought he was. I also found out he lied to me about a number of things such as: being fired from jobs, not paying the bills, secret bank account, deleting text messages, etc. He made up stuff that was really bizarre and went and forged documents. My trust in him was shot because I trusted him. He was out for himself and I realized how much he really loved my daughter and I. I found out the lies about almost anything and everything went on for 5 years, we have been married for 7 years. I cannot trust a word he says, I always thought he had eyes only for me and now I question many things. I found out he lied about the past, WHO was the man I married? I still do not know. My marriage is on the rocks and we were near divorce but he wanted me to give him until April. It seems everyday is a battle, everything is a flashback. I can’t live like this and neither can he or our kids. We are going through marriage counseling as the last resort. Porn hurts and destroys. I always want to know the real reason he looked at it. Many men say it’s for the different women but my husband says it was not like that. It’s just a betrayal that your husband would look at another woman and it feels like they’ve cheated on you. I understand the images aren’t real but seeing another females naked body when you thought YOU were the only one they saw. It hurts, hurts really bad.
looked at and enjoyed…I’m sure most men would not like if their woman enjoyed another man’s naked body
I’m glad you’re going through counseling now. Is it helping at all?
I’m not entirely sure where to begin, but here goes…
My husband of a few years and I have always been irregular in intimacy. We recently began to rekindle our romance, and I was under the assumption everything was going great. I’ve told him throughout the years that we needed to work on our relationship and I thought he finally heard me.
I found sexual searches from his history on his phone. I wasn’t intentionally looking for anything; he told me to get his phone and look something up for him. In the search bar, the history popped up and there they were.
I went into a rage. I couldn’t believe that he did this to me. We have a two-year-old, and ever since I gave birth I’ve been embarrassed about how my body looks (I weigh 105, but I’m not as toned). By body definitely wasn’t what it once was. Finding this smut made me even more self-conscious, especially since we are trying to have a baby (I may be pregnant). He told me he “serviced” himself in the morning a few days ago (while we were getting ready for a family outing) in the bathroom. I’ve never had anyone hurt me as much as he. I’ve had numerous issues with men cheating (both virtual and physical) and I aired my grievances about this to him years before we got married. Well, he’s just another on the list that’s been unfaithful. I just don’t know if this is even worth it anymore. He said it was one time and he’s never going to do it again (seriously, is that the only line out there), but I don’t believe him. He feels remorse, but I know it’s only because he was caught, not because he knew it was wrong. Furthermore, all those women had “assets” that I don’t have, but he says that’s not what he’s into…well if you’re not into it then why are you looking at it and getting aroused by it?
My main points to him include:
-He made me look like a fool thinking that things were great
-He did his business in broad daylight while we were all getting ready to spend time together
-He promised he wasn’t “that guy” when we first met
-He wanted to have another child with me, even though he’s secretly looking at other women
-He made me feel horrible about my already shaky self- image
-Most importantly, he disrespected himself, me, my daughter, and our marriage
Is there any way to move past this without feeling resentment towards him?
I just don’t understand why he did this. He is constantly telling me how his friends want to have what we have and they want to find a wife like me, and then he goes and does this.
It is very strange, but a lot of men can very easily compartmentalize these things. They see no contradiction between being in love with you, wanting to have a baby with you, and wanting to spend their life with you, but at the same time wanting to look at porn. In one sense, this compartmentalization makes sense because people, sadly, do this kind of thing all the time: they simply don’t see their marriage as the place where all their sexual energy will released. In another sense, this compartmentalization is ridiculous: what is marriage but a promise of exclusive intimacy?
Is there a way to move past this? Yes. But really what is needed is a repairing of trust, and that will take both of you: it means him becoming trustworthy, and you becoming willing to give your trust again. Both processes take time. I recommend you download this book and read it from cover to cover. It’s a very short read, but it may give you some ideas about what to do next. (It’s free, by the way.)
I caught my husband looking at porn the first time on our home computer perhaps a year ago. He promised to stop. I found it this time on his phone. He tells me he loves me anx says he does not think of those images when we are together (which I do not believe) and he has always done his best to make me feel good about myself. He tells me the reason why he looks at it is to ‘relieve’ himself when I do not want to have sex. This just does not sound like a good enough reason to me. Aren’t I ever allowed to say no without the fear of him seeking something else??? He wants me to forgive and forget (of course!) but that is easier said than done. I do not trust him any farther than I can throw him. Sad to say, after 17 years oc marriage.
Hi Renee,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this in your marriage. I hope you can find some answers here.
First, tell me a little more about your situation. How often do you think he looks at pornography? You’ve caught him twice now, correct? What is your husband doing now to ensure that he doesn’t look at porn again?
Whether your husband is or is not thinking about porn when he makes love to you is something only he can tell you. I looked at porn for years, quit about 6 or 7 years ago, and on occasion I still get flashbacks, but most of the time those flashbacks don’t come when I’m being intimate with my wife. Still, a lot of men struggle with an inability to have sex if they aren’t thinking about porn.
You should not have to worry about your husband sneaking off if he can’t make love to you. It is a poor excuse for looking at porn. The sexual tension your husband is experiencing is biologically very normal: when he anticipates sex and gets revved up, his body will be looking for release. The answer, however, is not to lust after other women. There are a number of answers for him to address this: (1) Don’t anticipate sex to such a degree that you become sexually frustrated. (2) Communicate better with your wife about your desires and discuss how best to serve one another sexually. (3) Find a healthy energy-spending outlet that doesn’t involve lusting after women or masturbating.
You might want to read this book, Porn and Your Husband. You can get a digital version of the book for free on our website.
I am in the same boat. I found my husband sneaking around, even waking up early to watch porn that he has pre recorded on a video camera. We have only been married for six months and I am two months pregnant. I feel so betrayed and his responses are that I made him do it and he is just an American Man. I cannot stop crying and am too embarrassed to tell anyone. All of my worst fears and insecurities are exposed and I feel completely alone. I dont want him to touch me and I dont trust him at all. I never wanted to be a single mother but, I don’t feel like I could ever trust him again. I asked him to give me some space for a while but her refused to leave and so now I am ousted from my own house. Being around him makes me so deeply depressed, I cannot stay there.
I am so sorry to hear about what your husband is doing to you, Jen. He should be ashamed of his attitude and behavior.
Please, reach out to someone you know, or several people you know. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this. He is the one who is betraying you. You need support right now, and not just emotionally. If you don’t have friends to turn to, can you reach out to a counselor to talk? Use this website to search for a good Christian counselor in your area. Please, reach out and find someone you can talk to.
Also, download this free booklet for wives in your situation. I hope it encourages you.
Dear Whoever May Be Reading This,
I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to give up. I know I won’t, but I still want to. Growing up, I never thought I’d deal with this. I was a believe in true love. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, have eyes for only each other and live happily ever after. I was wrong.
I’ve been on the other side of porn viewing. I’ve done it as a teen and I know what it can feel like. But I never had the problem after meeting my now husband. My focus was on him. I loved him. I was a virgin before him. I never engaged in any sexual activity. I never even made out with anyone. Automatically, I was at a disadvantage because he wasn’t a virgin and he had done things with a couple of girls before me. I overlooked it and dated him anyway.
The first knife cut me the same week I gave my virginity to him when I found out not even a whole week later, he was looking at porn. That was my first lesson: I wasn’t enough. My first sexual experience…the day I gave myself to someone after waiting for that one special person…Apparently, I wasn’t that special myself. We moved past that and I thought after seeing me hurt, he would realize that wasn’t acceptable in our relationship.
The second time was when I just found out I was pregnant with his child. I was sick all the time. It was all I could do to eat and sleep. I asked him after finding suspicious emails of his if he was looking at porn. He looked me in my eyes and told me I was beautiful and that he didn’t need that. I found out a few weeks later that wasn’t true. He had been watching porn the whole time, sometimes with me asleep in the other room. I felt sick and completely betrayed. And it was then I learned lesson two: Men lie.
I never quite moved past that time, but I tried. And with time, it did get somewhat better. I started to genuinely believe that after seeing me broken this time, he was done for good. He cried and apologized. He tried to make up for what he did. I thought maybe I could try to put it behind me and begin to heal, though I never blindly trusted so easily again.
And then brings us to the last time. During an argument about his secrecy with his online accounts and activity, it came out that he had been looking at porn again for months. I think this time it hurt me the most. My body is not the same after having our son. I don’t have the luxury of being sexy whenever, wherever. I’m Mommy now. I tried. I started opening back up after the last time. Wearing lingerie, being a little more vocal. I started pleasuring him orally again, out of love for him and not duty. I had stopped when I discovered the porn. And now I find out he’s been getting off to images and videos of other women while I’m giving myself to him all over again. Worst of all? He was doing this around the time we were getting married. My mind was focused on him. On us and our future. His was on beautiful women that I will never look like, no matter how much weight I lose. I felt so humiliated, thinking I was good enough. Wearing lingerie, thinking he might actually enjoy it. Enjoy ME. I can’t believe I actually thought I was sexy. I felt so stupid. Not too long ago, I learned the last lesson: I will never be able to feel safe or secure…not even in marriage.
I have now shut down completely. We hardly have sex or relations at all. When we do, it feels meaningless to me. Sometimes I cry during, but I don’t let him see. One of the worst parts is I’m only 20 years old. If he’s already having to find other women to be interested in, what is it going to be like years from now? If I’ve already been through this much pain, what is my life going to be like years down the road?
He claims he stopped. That he’s so sorry for what he did. That he doesn’t ever want to do it again. He’s trying to fix it. But I can’t find it in me to feel anymore. Because when I do, all I feel is pain. If I push it down inside and ignore it, at least I don’t hurt…
The wound was opened back up today because he found out I was going through his phone and was asking me if I was okay.
Well, I’m not okay. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I just got out of my teens and I already hate men. I hate women. I hate sex.
Someone please help me. I can’t do this alone.
Dear Not Enough,
I am so sorry to hear about what you husband has done to you. He has betrayed you with his lust and he should feel ashamed of himself for doing so.
I’m worried most of all about you. The things you are saying to yourself are truths mixed with some lies, and I would hate to see you captured by those lies. Yes, it is true you cannot compete with porn girls, but not because there is something “wrong” with you. No one woman can compete with a harem of online women, especially when a man ha trained his mind on porn for years. There are men out there (myself included) to make it their aim that no matter what the world defines as beautiful, we are going to make our wives our standard of beauty. The problem is not with your body but with the lies your husband had fed himself about what beauty is.
Online porn teaches a man:
There are no real women to measure up to this because its a false standard of sexy.
I highly recommend you watch these free videos by Christian counselor Brad Hambrick called True Betrayal. They will really help you to sort through your feelings about this situation.
You have helped me feel so much better just reading this. I am so depressed right now. Can I remain in contact with you please?
Reading through the comments, I guess I was shocked to see so much support for men/husbands viewing porn because they are men and men have to ejaculate.
I must disagree. My husband and I are Christians, been married since the late 1970s, and have several children.
My husband has been addicted to porn since college, though I did not find out until 1998.
Since that time, our marriage has been slowly crumbling mainly becuase of all the lies and deception that naturally happen when porn is secretly used by the husband.
So tell me you men, what is a wife to do when a man is FIRED from his $250,000 a year job because of porn on work computer and work phone. I had told him many times that he was jepordizing his job–he would just scoff at me.
He has been unemployed for 8 months now. All he does each day is watch TV and play solitaire on the computer.
The decades of porn have compromised his initiative and drive and our marriage is in shambles. BUT we have to keep up appearances–he is looked up to at church and by his kids. I am screaming inside because I know the truth, but I dare not reveal it. Nearly 60 years old. Such a sad life–for both of us.
Hi Beverley,
Thanks for sharing with us. I’d like to give you some advice here with the caveat that I really don’t know your situation very well. Take what I say with a grain of salt…
First (I am firm in saying this part), your husband needs to get up off his butt, get a job, repent of his sin, and feverishly apologize to you for the hell he’s putting you through. He need to wake up and see how his love of porn is killing his soul and ruining his marriage.
Second (and this is the part I’d like you to pray about), do not be afraid of the truth coming out about your husband. Of course, telling people needlessly is not good, but neither is keeping this a secret. If the secrecy is one of the shackles that keeps him in this sin, then it has to go. There is such a premium Christians place on confidentiality today, and it cripples the church. How can churches disciple the flock if secrets are kept——especially secrets like this?
Is he still looking at porn? If so, then if I were you I would tell him that he needs to go to the spiritual leaders of his church and talk to them about it. If he refuses, then I would tell him that you will talk to them. Don’t let him self-righteously quote Scripture to you about not being a gossip or not slandering him. Your husband has sinned against you and if he refuses your admonition, then you should bring other members of the body of Christ into the picture to help him (Matthew 18). Even if he has stopped the porn temporarily: (1) he has not repented of his loveless attitude toward you, and (2) he has let porn rob him of his vitality as a man and has not reclaimed it. Even if he’s stopped the porn, it sounds to me (from my cursory glance) that he acting like a “dry drunk,” technically porn-free but miserable and lifeless, still locked in shame and lust.
Plus, you keeping this a secret means you don’t get the help you need. If I were you, this would be eating me alive inside. You need to freedom to talk about this with spiritually sensitive and experienced counselors who can help you to pick up the pieces of your heart.
I’d love to talk with you more about this. Let me know what you’re thinking.