Anger. Betrayal. Mistrust. Loneliness.
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I watch it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
Regardless of the actions he is taking, your husband has betrayed your trust. Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography. Recovery may seem impossible.
The problem is not just in your head. In a 2012 analysis of five different studies, researchers concluded more pornography consumption is associated with a more weakened commitment to one’s relationship partner.
The good new is this: recovery is possible.
Episode 144
[powerpress]
In this episode of our weekly podcast, we interview Christian counselor Kay Bruner. She answers some of the most common questions we receive from woman on this subject. In this interview, she addresses two key questions wives have about men and porn addiction: (1) How can a woman build her self-esteem and a sense of confidence when she feels constantly compared to pornography? and (2) How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Show Notes:
0:44 – Why Kay wrote her book, As Soon As I Fell
8:19 – What is the book, Porn and Your Husband, all about?
9:12 – How can a woman build her self-esteem?
18:42 – How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Stay tuned for part 2 of Kay’s interview next week.
Check out more of our podcasts on iTunes.
Porn and Your Husband (Free Book)
Three years ago we released Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. Since that time, tens of thousands of women have downloaded the book, and many have told us how helpful it is to them.
We recently updated and rereleased the book. In the book we address…
- Common questions wives have about pornography use: How can he look at porn and say he loves me? Why does he prefer porn to sex with me? Why am I not enough?
- Three stages of recovering from betrayal
- Tips on having productive conversations with a your spouse
- Rebuilding trust through healthy boundaries
- Lists of additional resources: books, intensive counseling, and software
Give us your e-mail to get the book!
"*" indicates required fields
Enter the Giveaway!
Because this information is critical for many marriages, we want to get this book into the hands of as many people as possible, as quickly as possible. That’s why, for one week only, we are giving away four $25 gift cards to Amazon.
To enter our drawing, either download the book or leave a comment below answering this question: Why is pornography bad for marriages? Do both to get two entries in the giveaway. (You must use a valid e-mail address to be eligible. E-mail addresses will not be published.)
Thanks to all who entered! The giveaway is now closed, and the winners have been notified.
Official Contest Rules:
- Maximum two entries per person (one comment and one book download).
- All entries must be received before 12 a.m. April 2, 2015.
- Four winners will be selected randomly and notified via e-mail no later than April 3.
- Due to our blog commenting policy, comments must be pre-approved to appear. All comments submitted before 12 a.m. EST will be entered into the giveaway.
Very thankful for this book & am looking forward to reading it. Porn has been in my husband’s life since he was just a little boy. Dealing with this issue in our marriage is honestly a nightmare; it has shattered trust and built a wall between us. Nearly all aspects of our marriage is effected by pornography. We have been in marital counseling for over a year and it’s helped, but it is truly a long, extremely hard journey for both of us.
Hey Anya, I hope the book is an encouragement to you! I think your story is like so many women today: their husbands got into porn in childhood, and that has huge implications in adulthood. This requires us as women to develop a whole new skill set of being able to stand strong for ourselves, for good boundaries, and for good health. Make sure you’re getting the help and support you need for your own healing! Women are so often deeply hurt and even traumatized over this, and sometimes as we all concentrate on the husband’s issues, and trying to keep the marriage intact, the spouse’s need for recovery gets pushed into the background. So, make sure you’re getting the help you need to process through your own pain. I think sometimes it’s helpful for the wife to have her own separate counseling, just for her. Blessings to you, Kay
I see a lot of women blaming their husbands and little accountability at all placed on women. It is the same tired line. Men are bad. Women are good. Men are guilty. Women are innocent flowers and victims always. Men’s lust causes porn use but there is no way that their wives could have driven them to porn use. It is kind of like the mean, negative, demanding wife who just can’t understand why her husband cheated on her. Hate to tell you. But women who are in shape, kind, positive, and laid back …. rarely get cheated on, unless another woman goes after her husbands and tempts him. But women never acknowledge that either — how women tempt men constantly.
I hate to breakdown many people’s pity party, but women may not be watching porn as much as men, but they sure as heck are doing more porn than men. Much more. Few women are forced to do porn. I hate to tell people. Those women choose to do it and if you need proof of it, go look at webcam girls doing porn in their own homes. They have a choice not to do it, but they CHOSE to do it.
Also, let us be honest. Puritan America is highly dysfunctional. Our rigid attitudes of the past created the foundation for what is happening now. The ultra conservative 40s and 50s gave way to the liberal 60s. You ever see what happens to children who grew up in strict religious families? Families where EVERYTHING is a sin? Once they get away from that family, they become the polar opposite because they were oppressed for so long. Now, if those children can’t get away from the family, they will become miserable like their parents. Seeing everything as evil and never asking why are things evil?
This will never end. Never. We only deal with symptoms of a much larger issue.
Hi Maybe,
There’s some merit to what you are saying, for sure, but a lot of error in it as well.
Yes, women should not be odious to their husbands. Agreed. But one sin should not beget another. Even in a situation where a woman is abusive in her words and actions does not mean a man should feel “driven” to porn as a result. Of course, wives sin against their husbands and husbands against their wives, but let each account for their sins alone. A man might be able to claim that marital stress has created a situation where he was tempted to relieve that stress through porn, but a man cannot say that his porn use is his wife’s doing.
My friend Matt Fradd had some poignant things to say to men who think their porn use is their wife’s fault. You should check it out.
I’m also not following your logic here: men watch a lot of porn but women make a lot of porn? Sure. But what does that have to do with the topic of this post? You also said, “Few women are forced to do porn.” Again, I fail to see the relevance. Can you make yourself clearer.
I’m replying to ” Maybes” post. Please do not make a statement that if a woman was laid back, in shape, kind and positive their man wouldn’t seek porn.. I’m in great shape, always have been and love sex. My husband and I had a creative and explosive sex life for 22 years and there were no complaints on either side. When he turned 67 years old, he slowed down, went to his Dr. who said he had low T , should take Viagra , and that he had ED. He got severely depressed, would not communicate, refused to get a second opinion and refused to take herbs, chant, experiment with other things, etc. even with me pleading with him and telling him he did NOT have ED, he bought into it and decided one day to click free porn. This was his solution, he needed his ” mojo” back. On top of that he lied repeatedly when I asked him if he was watching porn. This was the real killer, and real betrayal trauma. In spite of all this I didn’t stray….I didn’t use an excuse that he wasn’t kind, interesting, sexy, and in shape. He looked like a slob….I made a marital committment to be loyal and faithful to my husband. He chose otherwise. When I hear comments like yours, I take offense. This is HIS and HIS alone! He intentionally pressed a button….many times and then lied. There’s the real damage in our marriage. He took the risk which was his choice. Stop blaming the woman and realize porn is the result of much deeper issues. 0 to do with the wife. Rant over….
In response to Maybe. You couldn’t be more wrong at the start of your comment and couldn’t make less sense at the end. I can only surmise that you are mistaking the act of sex for what we are referring to; which is love, closeness, trustworthiness and sexual INTIMACY.
Porn is also addicting. It’s like blaming the Dr for not giving you pain pills therefore having an heroin addiction.
Kate I am glad you say the same thing. Timing. I am glad I am not alone. Prayers for your marriage.
wow. All I can say Gods timing. I have already addressed this issue with my husband again for the 3rd time. It has torn me apart emotionally. And distanced me from him makes me feel dirtye expectations are unrealistic of me. Makes me feel insecure more than I already do. He’s very distant also which leads him to talk to other women. Which leads to lies and wanting more.it kills a marriage.
Hey Crystal. This is so tough! I think one of the worst things that porn does in a relationship is provide a place for the husband to turn, so he doesn’t turn toward his wife. That distance you feel is a very real part of what happens when porn is that third person in the relationship. One of the things I appreciated about what Luke said in the podcast is that recovery is about so much more than just not looking at porn. Recovery is about restoring the marriage to a place of emotional intimacy.
I want to really encourage you to GET HELP FOR YOURSELF, no matter what your husband chooses. You can do that through personal counseling, through a group like Celebrate Recovery, by educating yourself here on the blog. You might like to read through our free download, Hope After Porn, to see how various women have cared for themselves in the recovery process.
Thank you so much for your ministry! Upon discovering my husband’s struggle with pornography 3 years ago, we have used your services on all of our devices in our home. It’s been so helpful to more than just my eyes to view my husbands activity online. I’ve also been helped by your resources and can’t wait to read this e-book. Thanks for all you do!
I’m thankful to know that I’m not alone in this battle. I pray that the Lord gives me patience and a humble heart to approach my husband. Thank you to those who have written this. I will be looking here more often for encouragement, support and prayers.
-Jenn
Pornography impedes the unity of husband and wife in marriage which was intended by God and represents Christ and the church.
Thank you.
Thank you for such a valuable resource!
Wow, amazing how God Works. My husband and I are just in the beginning of really working on this battle. But I am struggling to trust that it truly is the beginning of the end! This article came to me at the perfect timing!
Thank you!
I would love to have a copy of your book to help us continue on this difficult journey!