Anger. Betrayal. Mistrust. Loneliness.
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I watch it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
Regardless of the actions he is taking, your husband has betrayed your trust. Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography. Recovery may seem impossible.
The problem is not just in your head. In a 2012 analysis of five different studies, researchers concluded more pornography consumption is associated with a more weakened commitment to one’s relationship partner.
The good new is this: recovery is possible.
Episode 144
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In this episode of our weekly podcast, we interview Christian counselor Kay Bruner. She answers some of the most common questions we receive from woman on this subject. In this interview, she addresses two key questions wives have about men and porn addiction: (1) How can a woman build her self-esteem and a sense of confidence when she feels constantly compared to pornography? and (2) How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Show Notes:
0:44 – Why Kay wrote her book, As Soon As I Fell
8:19 – What is the book, Porn and Your Husband, all about?
9:12 – How can a woman build her self-esteem?
18:42 – How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Stay tuned for part 2 of Kay’s interview next week.
Check out more of our podcasts on iTunes.
Porn and Your Husband (Free Book)
Three years ago we released Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. Since that time, tens of thousands of women have downloaded the book, and many have told us how helpful it is to them.
We recently updated and rereleased the book. In the book we address…
- Common questions wives have about pornography use: How can he look at porn and say he loves me? Why does he prefer porn to sex with me? Why am I not enough?
- Three stages of recovering from betrayal
- Tips on having productive conversations with a your spouse
- Rebuilding trust through healthy boundaries
- Lists of additional resources: books, intensive counseling, and software
Give us your e-mail to get the book!
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Enter the Giveaway!
Because this information is critical for many marriages, we want to get this book into the hands of as many people as possible, as quickly as possible. That’s why, for one week only, we are giving away four $25 gift cards to Amazon.
To enter our drawing, either download the book or leave a comment below answering this question: Why is pornography bad for marriages? Do both to get two entries in the giveaway. (You must use a valid e-mail address to be eligible. E-mail addresses will not be published.)
Thanks to all who entered! The giveaway is now closed, and the winners have been notified.
Official Contest Rules:
- Maximum two entries per person (one comment and one book download).
- All entries must be received before 12 a.m. April 2, 2015.
- Four winners will be selected randomly and notified via e-mail no later than April 3.
- Due to our blog commenting policy, comments must be pre-approved to appear. All comments submitted before 12 a.m. EST will be entered into the giveaway.
Porn is bad for marriages because it destroys one’s ability to relate to others. It is built on a foundation of lies and deception and leads to lies and deception in the marriage. Shame from acting out makes one hide from true intimacy.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor with an extensive history in evaluating and treating sex offenders, and teething as an expert witness in Sexually Violent Predator civil commitment trials, I look forward to evaluating this book for use in private practice.
I’m sorry, I’ve testified as an expert witness, not teethed on them!
Thank you for this straightforward and helpful e-book. It’s not easy to find good resources on what the role of the wife is in a situation like this. Some of my favorite points: it is not the wife’s fault that her husband has looked at porn, forgiveness and trust are 2 different things, and restoration IS possible!
I haven’t had the chance to read all the articles or post on this site. That being said I hope the reality that porn is not just a problem with men but, that about 30% of porn users are women is discussed as well. We live in a world now, where men may need to deal with the negative affects that women have pick up through involvement with porn as well. Women are not always just the innocent victim of there husbands sin but, may have or have had in the past there own issues. Also many romance novels give very unrealistic ideas of what love and marriage will be like to women.
If women read romance novels I absolutely agree it is just as bad for them as porn is for men or women.
It is bad period- in marriages and outside. It not only affects marriages but also leaves the children unsafe from exposure and being in bondage for their lives too. It’s a generational issue that requires divine intervention to stop. It’s unfair to the innocent children who need fully present, fully committed parents to keep them safe and help them navigate the world’s attacks. It’s just plain terrible.
I’m so very glad that our therapist was adamant that I install CovenantEyes on all our electronic devices. It’s made a huge difference in our lives, for the better. Porn destroy’s lives and relationships, sometimes beyond repair. I’m thankful to an awesome God that finally got a hold on my husband heart and now has him on the right path in life and really working on repairing the damage it did to our marriage.
How about an article on Porn and the Wife … that was our situation … we got through it with God’s grace, and we are much closer for it, I was feeling lonely, neglected, needy you name it … and had too much time on my hands and was alone alot and found lots of porn sites to turn to, not right, but that’s what I did until my secret sin was discovered … never want to go through that again … we subscribed to Covenant Eyes and have it on EVERY device we own, including all our children’s cell phones … it gives my husband piece of mind that I’m not looking at porn anymore, and it gives me the control that i need in order to not seek it out …
Agreed! I had a bigger struggle than my husband ever did.
Excellent article Luke… as always. I just read the “Porn and Your Husband” booklet and I LOVE IT!. Ella Hutchinson and team: hats off to you for your work on this. I’ll be recommending this booklet on the Beyond Betrayal blog and in my book coming out next year. Nice work!
Thank you so much for writing this book! I can’t wait to read it. Pornography is bad for marriage for so many reasons, but one is the anger it causes in both partners.
I am so very thankful for Covenant Eyes. I have been addicted to porn for over 55 years and this is the best thing that has happened to me. God has been rewiring my mind as this tool is an aid to my recovery.