Anger. Betrayal. Mistrust. Loneliness.
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I watch it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
Regardless of the actions he is taking, your husband has betrayed your trust. Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography. Recovery may seem impossible.
The problem is not just in your head. In a 2012 analysis of five different studies, researchers concluded more pornography consumption is associated with a more weakened commitment to one’s relationship partner.
The good new is this: recovery is possible.
Episode 144
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In this episode of our weekly podcast, we interview Christian counselor Kay Bruner. She answers some of the most common questions we receive from woman on this subject. In this interview, she addresses two key questions wives have about men and porn addiction: (1) How can a woman build her self-esteem and a sense of confidence when she feels constantly compared to pornography? and (2) How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Show Notes:
0:44 – Why Kay wrote her book, As Soon As I Fell
8:19 – What is the book, Porn and Your Husband, all about?
9:12 – How can a woman build her self-esteem?
18:42 – How should a wife handle her husband’s relapses?
Stay tuned for part 2 of Kay’s interview next week.
Check out more of our podcasts on iTunes.
Porn and Your Husband (Free Book)
Three years ago we released Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. Since that time, tens of thousands of women have downloaded the book, and many have told us how helpful it is to them.
We recently updated and rereleased the book. In the book we address…
- Common questions wives have about pornography use: How can he look at porn and say he loves me? Why does he prefer porn to sex with me? Why am I not enough?
- Three stages of recovering from betrayal
- Tips on having productive conversations with a your spouse
- Rebuilding trust through healthy boundaries
- Lists of additional resources: books, intensive counseling, and software
Give us your e-mail to get the book!
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Enter the Giveaway!
Because this information is critical for many marriages, we want to get this book into the hands of as many people as possible, as quickly as possible. That’s why, for one week only, we are giving away four $25 gift cards to Amazon.
To enter our drawing, either download the book or leave a comment below answering this question: Why is pornography bad for marriages? Do both to get two entries in the giveaway. (You must use a valid e-mail address to be eligible. E-mail addresses will not be published.)
Thanks to all who entered! The giveaway is now closed, and the winners have been notified.
Official Contest Rules:
- Maximum two entries per person (one comment and one book download).
- All entries must be received before 12 a.m. April 2, 2015.
- Four winners will be selected randomly and notified via e-mail no later than April 3.
- Due to our blog commenting policy, comments must be pre-approved to appear. All comments submitted before 12 a.m. EST will be entered into the giveaway.
This is such a needed resource! I am so glad you have been able to put this together. The trauma spouses experience from their partner’s porn addiction can be so devastating. I’m so glad I have a tool such as this to use in session with my clients.
Thank you for all your posts. We’ve been using Covenant Eyes for years and for some reason hadn’t discovered the articles/blog posts until recently. This is such a topic that I haven’t known how to bring other people in(which we have recently). Thankful for this website..
Thank you so much for the revised book. May god bless you for being faithful! I know this is something a lot of us wives have been waiting for.
Thank you so much for proving such a needed tool! I’m sure it has not been easy for you… Your hard work is so very appreciated.
I am so glad you made a followup to the book. I think a lot of resources handle the disclosure of a spouse’s use of pornography but do not address specifically how to live with spouse that has this problem. I am particularly interested in how to keep confident when your self-esteem continues to receive blows from your spouse’s relapses.
I am hurting so much over this. Found out just weeks after we married 6 months ago. If I believed in divorce I would already have done it and I am beginning to maybe believe divorce is ok. After all, this seems like a type of adultery to me. Am I wrong?
Mary Ann, what a sad and painful way to begin your married life.
Some people do see porn as a type of adultery. And in some cases, it does progress beyond online behaviors to physical sexual encounters. Even in cases where there is no sexual encounter with another person, some women do choose divorce. In fact, some stats say that pornography addiction is a factor in over half of divorces these days.
As you think about a way forward, I’d first look at his part in this: What is his response to your discovery? Does he want to get into recovery? Is he willing to work on his own issues? Has he made progress in the months since you found out? (Things like install Covenant Eyes, get into accountability relationships, educate himself, seek counsel through a group or individual therapy, be open and willing to listen to your concerns)
If he’s not at all willing to deal with his part in this, then you’ve got to think about what healthy boundaries you need for yourself. Even best-case scenario and he’s willing to work hard, you might like to read the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. That will help you think through what’s yours, what’s his, and what it looks like to be healthy in marriage in general.
For your part, you also need help and support as you figure things out. Who’s helping you through? Friends or family you can talk to are great, but you’ll probably be needing a counselor of your own, so you have safe place to process your emotions and consider your boundaries.
You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, in which several women talk about their own recovery process alongside their spouses.
Have a look at those things, and let me know what you think. Kay
I haven’t read the book yet, but I am thankful for it. I have just been praying for a resource to help guide me through my healing process. Most of our marriage has been aimed at helping bring healing and meet my husband at his needs so he can be healthy emotionally and spirtually. But I have learned that if I don’t take time to heal from the pain than my soul will wilt.
Ive read lots of material on this subject since it literally ruined what I thought was a wonderful satisfying marriage……….Most of the articles and data follow people between the ages of 18-35 years old. I have a husband who is 70….and his porn adventure began late in life at 67 with the availability of the internet. He was computer stupid, but learned quickly how to get what he wanted. There is not a lot out there about the older man and porn….which leaves me with lots of questions as to why this happened so late in life.
Thank you for taking time to write to wives who are hurting and need some answers. It’s painful though it can’t be seen on the outside I personally felt shattered inside and still have a lot of healing needed. God bless.
I’m so glad to see an updated book out, it’s so helpful to know I am not alone. Thank you for providing tools to help us get through it.
What is the worst thing about porn? It eventually leads to separation from God. My poor husband is desperate to hear His voice again. The addiction is a gradual descent into spiritual blindness…
Thank you for taking the time and energy and using divine insight to help heal our hearts. Your work is beyond imperative, it is life saving. Thank you again!
I am so looking forward to reading this book. Although, I am also afraid, I have known about this issue with my husband for many years. At first he worked at things, realized the importance if change, and was determined to fix our marriage . That was then, this is now . I believe he still occasionally partaken in this lifestyle. We have a very distant relationship, absolutely no sex life , just going through the motions. Even worse, he mows acts as if it isn’t that big of s deal , nd is Somthing vommin that men just do !!?? I am so angry, hurt and bitter. So tired, of waiting for a normal life, one that comes with unconditional live and commitment . One where a husband and wife has s priority to be together, where home doesn’t feel like a battleground. I’m so sad and lonely. This life just isn’t enough anymore
timely book!
I’m positive this book will help many women in their horrible time. A well timed book!
Pornography is bad because it beaks the marriage covenant
porn shatters marriages to a million pieces
I am looking forward to reading this book
You are doing a great work – and much needed one. Your care for those in need is such a testimony to the bondage-breaking, powerful love of Christ. Thank you for your ministry!
Porn is really bad for a marriage. It breaks the marriage covenant, as well as creates isolation between you and your spouse. You feel unwanted and your spouse has believed the lies of Satan that this is and OK way to medicate the feelings or hurts he has experienced. This book will be so helpful to so many women!
It has been 2 1/2 years since my husband confessed his sex addiction and internet porn habit. We have both been in counseling ever since. I appreciate any and all publications that address these issues. Thank you so much for being willing to approach this subject in such a down to earth manner. I feel like we have hope to survive this, although we are not there yet.
Shari
Thank you for such a valuable resource. I feel the root of this sin is lust. Trying to convince a man of this can be a huge problem, especially when they think it’s not that big of a deal & all men do it if they are real men. The excuse of “I was only admiring” or “God was proud of Himself that day” meaning the woman that comment was about could be hot, sexy, beautiful or you fill in the blank. I praise God for your ministry. Women have to get healthy for themselves. We have to know we are a daughter of The Most High God(our Daddy) and we don’t want or need to be our husband’s “momma, maid, or madame “, just a help meet & Wife.
My life still feels devastated by this. I hope to read the e book soon. It’s like a hurt that doesn’t ever end.
I am amazed at this material. My husband had a turnaround 2 years ago, amazing healing. Our church is still working on support material. I think we could use this. Thanks for the opportunity to download.
I am an unmarried young adult, but I have been struggling with pornography for years . It is disgusting and always makes me feel empty, but I keep finding myself stuck in this more. I have accepted Christ as my Savior, but that just made my addiction worse. I know th!e Lord is willing, but my flesh is weak like a sinking ship. Women are not sex objects; they beautiful living creatures with real emotions. They have mothers, fathers, sisters, likes, interests, dislikes, dreams, goals and aspirations. As a man, I am appalled by how misogynistic the media is and how it encourages man to view women as mere pleasure-objects or cattle. When I get married, I pray that I can love my wife for all that she is–to be equally yoked. I am a struggling with this porn and I need help, for I do not want to hurt anyone else with betrayal. I am already hurting myself and God.
Please pray not only for me, but all the other young males who may be stumbling in their walk with God because of lust. I want to have a wonderful relationship with my future spouse and God.
I will pray for you, for sure.
There are a lot of practical steps one can take to really address this problem. Here are some articles to get you started:
1. Neuroscience Speaks: How Using Porn Destroys Your Willpower
2. Fighting Porn Addiction: The Key Missing Weapon
3. Killing Mr. Hyde: The Bible’s Plan for Overcoming Sin
Thank you so much for sharing this! I especially thought the conversation on how recovery is more than just simply not looking at porn very beneficial. It is an all encompassing conversion. I look forward to hearing part 2.
Part 2 is now live if you want to hear it.