“And they lived happily ever after…” Cut! End scene. Movie over. They’re married, what more is there? Happily ever after…
Is that so? I’m not sure how many married couples would explain their marriage as “happily ever after.” Not that all marriages are bad, by no means! But marriage comes with its challenges. It takes work. It takes dedication. It can be great, it can be happy, but it can also be hard.
One growing difficulty in many marriages is the issue of pornography. Everything can seem great until the Mrs. is greeted by a naked image of another woman as she turns on the computer screen or until the Mr. stops showing up to little Jimmy’s games as he sits and watches his computer screen for hours on end. Maybe the Mrs. has gotten into “harmless” romance novels and no longer has the desire for sex, or Mr. finds pornographic messages being sent between his wife and another man via a social network.
It may not be the exact situations above, but if porn is involved anywhere in your marriage (with you, your spouse, or even both of you), then there is no “happily ever after.” Pornography never blesses, it only takes. It never enriches, it only deceives. Porn will not develop anyone, but only put the user (and others) in harms way.
If porn is involved in your marriage, you are not alone. Covenant Eyes reported in their most recent statistics (via MSNBC and a Stanford/Duquesne study): “In 2000, 25 million Americans spent 1 to 10 hours per week viewing Internet pornography, and as many as 4.7 million spent over 11 hours per week viewing Internet pornography.” Of those millions, I cannot imagine how many are married.
I myself have experienced the problem of porn in my marriage. My husband revealed his struggle to me just a few months before we were married and it has been a part of our lives ever since. Not that my husband is actively involved in pornography any longer, but just as alcoholism is a struggle with no cure, so is the addiction to pornography. One sip, one look, and it can be a downhill journey once again.
Worth the Fight
So why try? Does it really hurt your marriage? Is it something worth fighting against if the urges and temptations will always be there and the “happily ever after” doesn’t completely exist?
Yes. One million times, yes! Though this struggle is hard, your marriage is worth it. Just as you would fight hard to prevent alcoholism or drug addiction, fight just as hard against the battle of pornography.
Still not convinced? Here are 5 ways that pornography can hurt your marriage. I pray you take them to heart and know that none of us are immune to the effects.
Way #1:Porn Invites Comparison
Invite anyone into your marriage—past, present, or future—and that person will always be somewhere in your mind. For example: if you have had a sexual partner apart from your spouse, possibly even years before you were married, could sex with your spouse bring that previous relationship back to your mind? Of course it would!No matter how hard we can try to forget the past, it becomes a part of who we are. It becomes an ingrained memory that cannot easily be pushed aside. Are we more than our past? Absolutely. We can change, we can move forward as a new person. But the memories are always there.
Now think of this with pornography. If a man sees an image of a naked woman, what happens when he sees his wife naked in a few hours? Does he not notice that his wife may not have the same computer-generated flawless features? And what about the video he watched of two people having sex? He may begin to believe that sex with his wife is not quite as exciting as the scripted scene he had witnessed before. Romance novels and soft porn can have the very same effects.
I heard once that comparison is the thief of joy. I don’t think it could be explained any better, especially in this situation. Porn invites in comparison. Comparison can take away the joy that we experience in our marriages, specifically in our marriage beds.
Way #2: Porn Encourages Lies
Pornography as a topic is generally avoided. It’s kept behind closed doors (just where Satan likes it) so the habit and addiction can fester and grow. There are marriages where it is freely done and the spouse knows about it (I highly disagree with this as well), but for the most part you will find that the one looking at porn is keeping it under wraps. Lies of any sort can rip a marriage apart, but lies about porn are sneaky ones that often take a while to come out into the open.
Before porn is revealed in a marriage, it can wrap its claws around the aspect of one’s life and cause detrimental harm. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” Being trustworthy means honesty with your spouse. Hiding a porn addiction is not only being dishonest, but it’s being untrustworthy. A marriage is built on trust, and without it the marriage will crumble.
Way #3: Porn Lowers Self-Worth
As a psychology and counseling major, I’ve heard the term “self-esteem” quite a bit. It’s thrown around frequently, and while there is truth to it, I like the term “self-worth” a whole lot better. I believe it better encompasses the greater issue. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, it is more of a worth issue than one of esteem for ourselves.
I get into this because I believe porn can greatly mess with the self-worth of both a husband and a wife in a marriage, no matter who it is that is struggling with the addiction. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” God created us in His image, one that is holy and righteous. But when we sin, or those we love sin against us, we rarely feel anything close to the attributes of holiness and righteousness.
This is most often an issue for the wife whose husband is struggling with porn. In my own experience, and in talking to numerous other wives who have been through this, the question rolling through our minds is “Am I not good enough?” If we know our husbands are looking at other women, it must mean that they don’t think we are enough for them. I might think I am not pretty enough, not sexy enough, or not worthy of love and affection. While the struggle with porn is far greater than what the wife may think, the issue of self-worth is still there.
I would also argue that looking at porn is a self-worth issue for both men and women. When one becomes upset with him/herself, going into “another world” can be an easy escape from reality—one that always appears to fulfill and bring pleasure no matter what the real-life circumstances may be. Just as one may go towards alcohol or drug abuse in situations of frustration and low self-worth, so someone else can turn to porn. Porn starts with low self-worth and ends with low self-worth. Without respect for oneself, a marriage will be brought down. Without knowledge of how you were designed (in God’s image) and without living in light of that knowledge, a marriage will suffer.
Way #4: Porn Robs Us of Intimacy
Porn takes intimacy away. Period. On to the next point…
Just kidding, but really, that sums it up pretty well. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” “Undefiled” means “without stain or blemish.” Porn is a stain. It’s that nasty grass stain that will never come out of a white t-shirt. It can be covered, dyed, washed, and cleaned, but it will always still be there. Porn will defile a marriage bed. It will steal from the intimacy that a married couple has the opportunity to be blessed with. Porn will take sex that a married couple has and completely strip away all holiness and intimacy that it once had. It invites someone else into the sexual relationship, which leads to our next point…
Way #5: Porn is Adultery
Ouch. I debated whether to include this one or not. It’s harsh, it’s hurtful…but it’s truth. Porn is adultery. Matthew 5:28 says, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” No arguing with that one. Jesus is pretty clear, and you know He already knew about the sin of pornography before it ever came into existence (though I suspect they already had forms of it during this time period). He knew the easy accessibility that the Internet would someday bring. He knew that 47% of families (via Covenant Eyes and Focus on the Family statistics) would have this problem in their home one day.
Looking at another man or woman in lust is adultery. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hard reality, but a truthful one. Porn is adultery and obviously, adultery is a problem in marriage.
God is Bigger
This was a hard post to write. So harsh, so dark, so depressing! Unfortunately, it is all true. These are just five ways that porn will hurt your marriage and unfortunately, there are hundreds more. But I can’t leave you with that!
God redeems (Eph. 1:7). God heals (1 Cor. 10:13). God does miracles (Matt. 17:20). God is bigger (Isaiah 55:8-9). My husband and I are a testament to this. While pornography will always be a struggle and temptation that we will seek to conquer, He has blessed us with an incredible marriage despite the evil that has threatened our relationship. He has healed us from comparing or being fearful of comparison. He has taken away the lies and silence that held my husband for so many years before he told me about his struggle. He has restored our self-worth and made us feel like royal children (as we all are!). He has completely brought back all intimacy that was lost and not only that, has made it better! And He, by far, is greater than any sin of adultery. Satan may try to take us down, but God keeps our marriage up and thriving. We give all the glory to Him and are so blessed by the great things He has done.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
Photo credit: titlap
My husband of 26 years is also a pastor and he watches Internet sex videos very frequently and masterbates while watching them. I noticed a couple of years ago on our desktop computer that he watches them after I go to bed. He does not know how to check the search history and obviously he doesn’t know how to delete it. Sometimes it will be several nights in a row and then it might be a week sometimes two before he does it again. He also reads sexual books on his Kindle reader. He got a mini iPad for Christmas and last night he watched sex videos in bed while he thought I was alseep. He has been a very sexual man. He likes to buy adult sex toys. For the first 5-10 years of our marriage, he wanted to get involved in sex with other women and other couples. He said he always wanted to watch me with another woman. I put a stop to that scenario. He has had an affair. He always looks and other women. In fact, he is very focused on looks. He loves it when other women look and him and compliment his looks. I am very frustrated and torn. I guess I should also mention that he possesses many narcissistic traits, so talking to him always turns the conversation to me and my faults….mainly not giving him sex as often as he wants it.
I am so, so sorry.
I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.
He may be a liar and a narcisstic, but you don’t have to support him in those traits. Whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
Hi,
I’m in the same place as many here,
My husband and I have been married almost 18 years, I’m 37 and he’s 42
He’s been watching porn all throughout our marriage, I usually find out about once a year that he’s back at it, when I catch him.
I have all the filters on our computer etc, but this time last year he went and bought an iPad just for his ‘own use’ and hid it, until I arrived home early one day!
He knows how hurt it makes me feel, I feel worthless, ugly, not good enough….the list goes on….
I forgave him again, after the usual, I’ll never do it again, I’ve too much to loose etc….and guess what….
I come home early again 2 days ago and find him with another new iPad (he smashed up the last one) doing the same thing again….
I feel totally devastated….
I even prayed that God would forgive him and then kill him, as I can’t cope with being hurt anymore, and yes I do love him, but I hate how he makes me feel….
We have 4 children, aged 15,13,12 & 6
I can’t break up the family….
I’m so hurt…
He says sorry, sorry, sorry,
If I try to talk to him, he walks of (he was never good at talking)
He thinks by saying sorry, I’m gonna jump into bed with him.
He won’t get professional help,
I just don’t know what to do, I’m trying to pretend everything’s ok, I front of the kids, but my heart is broken….
I can’t talk to anyone as I’m too embarrassed…
I’m a Christian and believe marriage is for life, but I’m soooo unhappy!
Ruthie, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re feeling in all this. It is really, really common for women in this situation to meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. And even if your husband refuses to get help, YOU can get help. I know you’re feeling embarassed about this, but help is readily available to you, and I would encourage you to reach out for that help today. A counselor who’s used to dealing with trauma could be a huge help to you–not a marriage counselor, just a personal counselor for you. A counselor like this can help you process your emotions, deal with the trauma, and help you think about healthy boundaries. There’s also a wonderful online community called Bloom that’s private and provides support for women through forums, classes, and other resources. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be well. Peace to you, Kay
I’m 21 and pregnant with my fiancé. I found out he was watching porn two days after he proposed to me and I was already pregnant. He lied over and over about what he actually watches. He started off saying it was instructionall videos, then said he only watched it 3 times, and so many more lies. So eventually he finally admitted to more I can’t say everything because I really don’t know after all the lies. Anyways, it really hurts because I never felt more loved by anyone else. He would tell me all the time how I was his dream girl (we knew each other from high school) and he told me he always wanted me but never thought he’d have a chance. I felt like we were meant to be. I felt like God made him for me and me for him. I never loved a man so much. Now I feel like I have this giant belly and I saw his favorite porn video and it was of this girl Veronica Rodriguez who is extremely skinny with very small breasts. And now that I’m pregnant I have huge breasts and am obviously not skinny anymore and I just feel like even after I have the baby i cant be as skinny as that girl. I would have to starve myself to look like that and I feel like I’m just criticizing and hurting myself telling myself every day how ugly and fat I am and constantly comparing myself to other pretty girls that we see when we walk together thinking he’s doing the same thing. Sex is just sad… all I could think about it how ugly I must look to him after seeing the type of girls he would look and touch himself to everyday. I wake up and go to sleep thinking of it. Its been about a month or two now and I still can’t seem to get over it. I read so many articles as to why men do it and how to get over it but it’s so hard. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve prayed about it and I do have my good days where I feel happy but it all comes back at night. Sometimes it gets worse when I see how he follows these types of woman on social media and I’ve even started trying to think of my ex or a new man just to make myself feel better and I know it’s wrong… i try to push those thoughts out of my mind. I can seem to push the thoughts of sadness, anger, self hate, out. I just don’t know what to do. I tried to break up and I told him we can just go on a break and I won’t see anyone else I just want you to work on yourself as I work on myself and he doesn’t want that he starts crying and saying how he hates himself and he even said it shouldve been him who died when his friend passed away from a motorcycle accident… so of course I stayed and now I just can’t seem to find happiness in our relationship the way I used to. I used to be so happy with him that no matter what happened I still felt comfortable in him. My brother passed away from drug overdose a year ago and I was able to remain positive and stay strong of course with God’s comfort but with my fiances as well. Now I can’t find comfort with him from him… i just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get over this please help me
Hey Gina. I am so, so sorry. Many women in this situation will meet the criteria for PTSD, and most get so little help. I would say, you need a counselor who can help you process your pain and decide on healthy boundaries. A group might also be helpful. And there’s an online community called Bloom that offers classes, discussion groups, and lots of resources. Make sur eyou take care of you, no matter what he chooses.
My husband and I have been married for 3 months now. He left this weekend to attend a coaches convention in Waco. This is our first time to be apart since we’ve been married. I was on my laptop the other day and found a porn site listed in the “frequently visited” tab. I asked him to call me and he apologized and admitted that he has been watching porn for the last couple of weeks. I accepted his apology but for some reason I’m still upset.
He had a porn addiction that started when he was a teenager, which he opened up about while we were dating. While we were engaged he came to me on two different accounts coming clean and asking for help because he had been struggling. Probably about four months before our wedding he called me on the phone one night, and he was so excited. After watching a pornographic video, he told me, he cried out to God for healing because he did not want this demon, especially heading into a marriage. God revealed to him that he needed to show that he was serious. So he threw away anything that had internet access with the exception of his school laptop (which was checked out to him). It may seem a little drastic, but he knew that he needed to remove all forms of temptation. That night he was completely free from it for the first time in years.
I am fortunate that my husband believes porn to be along the lines of adultery and I do not doubt his relationship with God. I know how hard that addiction can be because I was almost addicted myself when I was younger. Each time he has opened up I have prayed and made sure my responses are loving and supportive as that’s how I’d want him to respond if the roles were reversed. I tried to make sure my response was the same this time, but for some reason I feel more emotionally unstable than before. I feel confused (why would this happen again, why would he hide it when I have shown him that I will support him), I feel hurt and scared (what if this becomes a reoccurring thing in our marriage, what if our recent intimacy was more about just getting off or living one of those fantasies), and I’m a little bit mad (he used my computer to do this, and broke my trust). I did not feel this way when he admitted to it before. I’m wondering if maybe it’s because we’re married now and have been together in that way or perhaps because I found it on my own this time rather than him telling me.
I love my husband dearly and I have no intention of giving up. I know in my heart that it’s not my fault and the lie that “I’m not enough” isn’t true, but it’s very easy to let those thoughts bounce around in your head. He comes home tomorrow and I’m trying to find the words that I’m going to say and see how I can help him. I’m not really sure what I’m asking but I feel like I need both advice and prayer.
Hey there.
Well, I think you’re mad and confused because he’s not doing his part! You’ve been accepting and helpful, but he’s still hiding and lying. You’re doing your part, but he’s not doing his. The truth is, you CAN lose your relationship over this if he doesn’t do his part. And that is a terrible thing to contemplate.
Maybe he thought that when he “got serious” and got rid of temptation, that he wouldn’t have to do anything else. I think time has shown otherwise, and he needs to step up his responsibility game.
I think it’s time for you to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. I’d also suggest reading Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
Here’s our listing of more resources for wives.
There are lots of resources for your husband here, and I hope he will take advantage of them. Your Brain on Porn is a good place to start reading.
I hope those things help. Let us know if you have more questions.
Blessings, Kay
Hey, is good I inform all the men and guys out there that sometime we all make mistake in our relationship and made our relationship to be broken and is also our responsibility to make it work by seeking for solution to it, I’m very happy today to tell you little of my relationship problem, i cheated once on my wife and she caught me and she was ready to end our marriage because i truly love her i quickly seek for solution to stop her that is when i came across Prophet Iyare temple who has help so many people restore their broken marriage and relationship i also contact him today my marriage is restored, I’m going to drop his contact so that does having the same issues can contact him for solution on (iyareyaresolutiontemple at gmail. com)
Read “The Four Agreements” Relationships are “at will.” If any of you would be more happy or content without your porn-seeking spouses, perhaps you should consider this option. Otherwise, realize that things are okay without trying to change the situation. Isn’t it obvious that if you are unhappy, then, you need to seek happiness? Isn’t it just as ludicrous for your spouse to demand that you become more acception of his/her lifestyle and to “change your way of thinking” so that you can accept what is instead of what you would prefer? Seems like a no-brainer to me…
I have been desperately miserable for almost 4 years after discovering my husband had been lying to me about his porn addiction for 10 years. I had found something on the computer many years ago so was always suspicious but he was such a convincing liar, I believed it was just a ‘one time silly little thing’ like he kept telling me. Then 4 years ago, he was being abusive about the whole issue and when I phoned him the next day he said “Ok, it was twice” so I left. I stayed away until he confessed it had been many years, he’d stopped the computer 3-4 years ago, but had carried on with other images etc. I nearly didn’t come back but was so confused and had our children to think of. I did come back and it has been utter hell. There is no more porn (I do believe that and besides, only I have the passwords for the computer and he only uses it in front of me and has a basic cellphone with disconnected internet). The issue is that I am so completely traumatised by his lying. We tried counselling, didn’t help. I also had a drip fed confession with other lies that just made it a million times worse. Now I feel humanly unable to trust him. The worst thing about all of this is this….I am sick with a chronic illness. After many years of hard work, I had it in remission. But all of this stress has brought on the worst relapse I’ve had in many years and now I am very sick because of what he’s done! How can I carry on with this person as my ‘husband’ when he has literally destroyed my whole entire life and stolen my precious health too. I am extremely sensitive to him lying and we keep having these big ugly scenes when I think he’s lying. I cannot now see how I can ever trust this person again, and I have absolutely nothing left in me to give him. I am sick, exhausted and feel completely and utterly trapped. I am too sick to leave and support my children without him without a drastic decrease in wellbeing for them as I would have to go on a tiny benefit of basically no $. After nearly 4 years, I would’ve hoped it would be better. It isn’t. We can’t leave the house without me being terrified he is looking at some woman. Every day I wake up and realise I am living a nightmare, and my body is thumping in pain as a tortureous reminder that his porn stole my health.
Hey there. I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re in–emotionally and physically. I can well understand how the stress of this situation has brought on a relapse of your illness, and I’m so sorry for that. I’m a counselor, and it sounds to me like you’d really benefit from counseling FOR YOURSELF. I think you need to be heard, I think your grief needs to be honored and processed. I think you need some emotional rest before you’ll be able to deal with the details of the situation. Right now it seems like your emotions are so raw that those feelings cloud the whole picture. And that is okay! It’s a part of the grief process! I just don’t want to see you get stuck there forever. So find a good, safe counselor and dump it all out, feel through it with someone who cares about you, and then see what you’ve got. I’d recommend checking the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area. Let me know what you think, and please write in with more questions as they come. Blessings, Kay
What about watching porn with spouse together? Here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stacey-nelkin/5-reasons-why-watching-po_b_2766968.html author wrote it’s a good idea. It’s difficult to judge.
Thanks for the post, Mark. Let me see if I can respond to this article’s points one by one.
1. I don’t disagree that watching porn is a shared experience. The question is whether it is a good one.
2. I don’t disagree that it is an easy way to learn about your partner’s fantasies. The question is whether there are other better ways that don’t involved the added problems.
3. I don’t disagree that it can speed up foreplay. The question is whether it is a good way to do that.
4. I don’t disagree that it shatters the idea that you should only be attracted to your mate. I think calling this a “myth,” however, skirts the issue. It is one thing to say I, as a man, am attracted to women. It is another thing for me to get horny over them and purposefully get sexually aroused by them. One is a disposition of my sexual nature. The other is a choice I make.
5. If one gets to watch all the porn they want while having sex, I don’t disagree that it MAY lessen a person’s desire to commit adultery. But that only ignores the fact that using pornography is engaging with a digital prostitute, and is therefore already a form of seeking sexual pleasure outside a committed relationship.
I am in my 60s, been married 39 years. Many years of hell with a man that was emotional, physically and verbally abusive. We separated for 4 years then through counseling got back together. Now were surrounded by grandchildren that depend on Grandma and Grandpa. The problem is that my husband had never looked at another woman, or cheated as far as I have been told. But the last three years I have found porn magaziness hidden in his truck, He denied that and said it belonged to one of his friends when they went on a hunting trip, Now just recently I found that he has been on the internet looking at other women.porn I have also found pics of naked women on his work cell phone that someone had sent to him, I felt that something was not right and ran a history scan on both computers. I also went through all his phone pics and messages. . I am pissed and hurt. I don’t find him the least bit attractive now.. I see him as a dirty old man.!! Repulsive, .He denied everything..then he finally confessed that he was just curious and wanted to look. He disrespects me. He is verbally abusive. He does have severe health issues and is bipolar. He also has ED. I have stuck by his side through all his illness since we have been back together for 16 years, I am now at my wits end with him. I do not have a lot of options and my family, children and grandchildren depend on me to help them,, I stay at home to watch my grandchildren while my children work. I sacrificed a lot and gave up my career of 32 years to take care of my family, My husband is also retired,, I don’t know if is should just look the other way and walk away,, HELP
Hi Jane. I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage. It sounds like his porn problem is just another aspect of the many issues he’s failed to deal with over the course of many years. I wonder if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s several women telling their stories of their boundaries in recovery.
I’d also highly recommend the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’m sure you already know that you’re not going to be able to change his behavior; he is responsible for his own choices. Boundaries are about you being responsible for your own choices, too.
We often hear stories of marriages restored, and those are wonderful. We hope to support and encourage reconciliation where it is healthy. But I am also equally blessed when I hear of women who were able to walk away from abusive marriages, and find healing for themselves, even when their spouses were unable to make similarly healthy choices.
You might find support for yourself through the following: a local counselor through the directory at The American Association of Christian Counselors; Celebrate Recovery; Divorce Care.
Look through those resources and let me know if you have further questions. blessings, Kay
That was one of my sins. When my wife did not give me what i wanted sexually i turned to porn…i ask God to help me with what I am doing simply because my wife is not interested period..but i know my flesh has its need and im not going to lie even if i dont want to feel it. ..but thats life for ya…it sucks…what else you gonna do…i hate it because i would have to pray when i am in a horny state which i think its disrespectfull to go to God with anyways..have faith that God will turn this around..and work on your sins…be patient that all i can do..or anyone else…i guess….