by Veronica Benton
I am often asked, “When will I trust my husband again?” This is such a hard question to answer, especially for a woman who just found out her husband has been hiding a pornography addiction.
Trying to find herself in the shock of the moment and not seeing a light at then end of the tunnel is such a scary place.
I knew my husband was having an “affair with our computer” for a long time: the first year and a half of our marriage, to be exact. The problem was that I thought it was my fault. I thought I was not fulfilling my husband, so he would have to turn to the Internet. It was so hard to muster up the courage to call him out, but I knew I had to do something. I had fallen into an eating disorder, partly to have control of something in my life and because I felt that if I could look like the girls online, he would pick me over them. On top of that, we were leading worship at our church, wearing perfect masks, telling no one of our struggles. I had exhausted my efforts and had enough. He snuck into bed around 4am one night and I said, “I know what you’re doing.”
Let the recovery begin.
Thankfully, T wanted to change and was truly sorry. I am heartbroken on the road when I talk to women who tell me their husband says, “The only problem with me looking at porn is your jealousy problem.” Ouch.
One of the biggest factors in rebuilding trust in our marriage is accountability. We signed up with accountability software and the first two weeks in, I got his report in my email and realized it works. I had to call him out again, and told him this was his Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card. If it happened again, the Internet would be gone for good. Every time I get a “clean” report, it helps to build trust.
We always tell people that addiction is addiction, everyone just has their drug of choice. Porn happened to be T’s hardest habit to break. Now, had he secretly been addicted to cocaine, yes, I’m sure I’d have been devastated, but secret sexual sin personally affects the spouse in such a deep way. I know his addiction wasn’t my fault. It took a long time to learn that.
If you’re reading this and think your spouse’s addiction is your fault, please understand it is not. There is nothing you could have done or said differently to prevent the addiction. Trust me, I tried. I tried for a year and a half. Through marriage we become one, especially in our most intimate times. So in my mind, he was turning away from me, unfulfilled, which left me so offended and so disgusted. Once I truly grasped that his addiction wasn’t my fault, I was really able to take “me” out of the equation and we were able to focus on him and his recovery.
Through this entire process I learned a lot about my own faith and our marriage. January 19 will be our 9 year wedding anniversary. When we got married I gave my heart to my husband. He wasn’t very gentle with it, and so I took it back. Since that time, T and I have both truly given our hearts to Jesus. Truly. As long as Jesus is holding my heart, no one can break it. So really, part of rebuilding trust was trusting Jesus with our hearts.
I think I would be lying if I said I trusted my husband 100%. We as humans are imperfect beings; unfortunately, we let each other down. T and I have chosen to grow together and change together. We said, “Till death do we part,” and meant it. I do, however, trust Jesus with my heart, and as long as T and I are fully focused on Him we will always be pointing in the same direction, together. We have taken this addiction and turned it into our ministry. We are daily fighting the battle and daily choosing integrity. If we were in a solitary place, he and I would both be in a recovery group. There is so much healing in knowing you are not alone in your struggle. We are reminded of this daily through emails, texts and talking to people after our shows. It is so amazing to have a couple come up and say, “Thank you, that is our story and it needs to be heard.”
If you are struggling with a hidden addiction, please be honest about it. Get it off your chest by telling someone. Choose integrity daily. Who we are the good, the bad, and the ugly make up our ministry here on earth. Focus on what you are passionate about and use it for Gods purpose. Be the change you want to see, and most of all . . . just love.
. . . .
This is a guest post by Veronica Benton. In 2002, Veronica’s husband Tyler (TD) confessed his ongoing struggle with pornography. Since 2006, T and Veronica have been touring the country with their band, White Collar Sideshow, a group dedicated to helping people break free pornography addiction.
Oh, left out a word…
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
If you -dont- have love, you are nothing. What was it that Christ said was the greatest commandment? Love.
“In your system people don’t need saving, they are neutral. Your perspective is humanism, not Christianity on this. We are born dead to God and alive to sin.”
What is my system? I said that people hate Christians, not Christ. I know of a handful of people that hate Christians, and the church because of the people, not Christ. the majority of Christians have a “I’m better than you” attitude. I’ve been on both sides. I use to hate Christians, and have nothing against Christ. I did not know Him. and I know people that have the same mindset. We have to show them Christ as His Word depicts, with love.
“Friendship evangelism does not work. Worldly people are attracted to people who will reinforce them IN their sin. People who need Christ will be attracted to the truth, even if it hurts their feelings. Friendship evangelism has filled the church with dangerous chaff.”
Since when does it not work? Worldly people are attracted to things that make them happy. If they see someone always full of joy, they will want that themselves. If one of my worldly friends asks why I’m always in a good mood, I’ll tell them what Christ is doing in my life or what I learned in His word. Many people that I know in the church are there because a friend reached out to them and showed them Christ’s love. Not because a random street preacher told them to go or else they will burn. And if you are implying that they are ‘chaff’, then I’ll take up that insult as well.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
If you have love, you are nothing. What was it that Christ said was the greatest commandment? Love.
Love is: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(1)
Looking at how you write and what you say, it seems that you have forgotten this. Am I preaching a “hippie-lovefest”? No. But I am saying that you must not forget to love, because He loves you.
And to be honest, I dont agree with everything Luke says. but we should not judge one another on where we stand with Christ. The kid you hear cussing may be the same one that God is working on to break drug or alcohol addiction. God works in us all differently.
And the personal attack on his education was childish. I’m sure you do not know him, so to say something like that makes you out a fool.
P.S.
My name’s not Neil :)
Psalm 89:7
God is greatly to be feared in the assembly of the saints, and to be had in reverence of all them that are about him.
Why can’t we just make amends, forgive and just LOVE each other instead of talking bad!!! Thats all I’m saying and sticking 2 it and that I’m very proud of my WCS family!!! :)
So just a few comments. I Love Tyler, Veronica and Phillip. These guys do more for Christ and His kingdom than most. We can squabble about theology and who’s correct in their interpretation of Scripture all day.
God’s greatest command to us is to LOVE. Read 1 John 2. I’m not saying we should ignore sin in our lives or the sin in fellow BELIEVERS of Christ. But if we can use what God’s done in our life to present the Gospel then we’re following in His footsteps.
Thanks WCSS and for all you do for the lives you’ve changed and are changing.
Just a couple comments to clear a few things up. It may be a little late in the conversation for this, but here goes.
The tattoo on Eddie’s thigh was done without T even knowing about it. It was done as a surprise to him from Eddie. He wanted to show his love and support for Tyler and the mission he is on with WCS. This is also why the tattoo has Tyler in his ringleader outfit.
As for Veronica’s outfit on stage. Her character represents the faceless woman. Hence the go-go cage, dress, mask, etc. The whole character is to represent how many men view the women that they look at in every day life as well as in pornography. It isn’t about flaunting herself to a crowd, it’s about representing that aspect of addiction in the same way that the pig represents how he felt inside. And, honestly, with or without some outfit Veronica is beautiful inside and out. You could put her in a paper sack and a mask and it would still shine through.
I hope this cleared a few things up. I agree with others on here that arguing and picking apart people who are trying to do good and bring people to Christ (which is everyone who is posting on here) is not productive for anyone.
@ pulled from the fire:
I think that you have several valid points, and it takes a lot to speak what you believe. Especially when it is not the popular opinion. I am sure Tyler and Veronica would love to talk to you about it. If they have a show near you, you really should meet them. They are amazing people, and extremely open to opinions. You may be surprised how much you have in common with them. Even if you choose to skip the performance part of the show, it may be worth it to meet the people behind it. Worst case, you still feel the same and nothing is lost. On the flip side, they may change your opinion of them or you may open then up to a new view on what they do.
Either way is better than arguing on a comment board. I hope this helps. I am in no way trying to start more debate.
Thanks.
amazing…. a house divided will fall… i have been truely enlightened…. truely and while reading all these posts i have had many emotions come to light. i want to start by saying may God’s undeserving grace be upon you all and i love you i’m talking the kind of love that paul speaks of in the letter to corinth. i love you all. i happen to know that T got those tattoos for many reasons. one reason which happens to be the most important is to glorify our Lord and Savior. How is that you ask? When getting a tattoo “one” has to ask himself ( if he is a real Christian) will this glorify God? well the answer is very simple. All throughtout the bible it speaks of God using the unclean to help the clean and therefore glorifying His Holy Name. Specifically … 2 kings where Elijah was fed by ravens. A black bird was actually significant in this story because they ate the dead ( read the old testement) so they were spiritually unclean. yet, they kept Elijah alive to do God’s will Praise God and all His Glory !! later a samaritan woman had faith in the words from the man of God (Elijah) and fed him and God used the unclean for the good of the Kingdom of God in that senario as well. You get the picture? Okay. so.. back to the point… If Tyler, getting those tattoos, stikes up a conversation about his tattoos with a person, mind you, one person that leads to that person truely repenting and that soul is saved then that tattoo has served its purpose in the kindom of God. amen? amen! 2nd reason… Christ suffered more than we can imagine… Tyler actually hates getting tattooed. i know this cuz he told me that today. but In a twisted way he feels an even greater kinship with Christ and all of our fallen saints by way of pain. He knows he is nothing without christ, as i do. but to suffer isnt vain indeed. It is a fraction of the the pain that Christ felt. and those so called monsters and demons are from the old black and white movies, which T is a great big fan of ( so old movie buffs alike will see that and feel that T has a common ground or an ice breaker if you will) but no one metioned the samari cutting the head off the snake on his other leg which represents him fighting his addiction thru his faith walk with Christ. If you have been to just one of his shows you would know he speaks of cutting the head of the snake using it as a metaphor for sin and addiction. but all this talk has lead us from the real issue at hand…. WSC… and their attemp at thinking outside the box to reach and feed the poor… poor in spirit poor in faith etc.. and i commend them for it. Christ sent us into the world to do such as that. Glory to Jehovah God and Christ OUr Lord forever and ever amen.
You are right Sara, God is big enough to handle us all. Thank you. His Grace is enough, yes, Amen.
But uniting with error is not the answer, nor can we fight porn with porn, or drugs with rock and roll. (and FYI, I never said Veronica or Tyler was going to hell.)
My life has been spent on this stuff, and I wanted to think that maybe I could be used for some good; to warn you all. But it may be time to stop.
I will not trouble you any longer. Unless someone seems to really want to go over something new, I will stop posting.
Many of you agree with Luke. He seems to have all the answers, and he does make a lot of sense. and he has been very kind to me, to be sure. One word of caution though; Luke has a liberal perspective. Look at his education background on his profile. Liberal theologians pride themselves on being open, inclusive and balanced. They are often therefore very popular. But I submit to you that it was not so with Christ, or any of the profits. Read Jeremiah. Read Christ; He was a hated hell-fire preacher (read the bible to find out who this God is that you say you worship)
Am I projecting my experience? Maybe, but please keep in mind who you are conversing with. I am not a fundamentalist pastor, nor and angry parent, nor a young seminary student with a new axe to grind. I am an older man whose life was spent from age 11 on in the rock & roll-drug-motorcycle culture of California. And after I got saved I spent some more years in the so-called “christian” rock & roll motorcycle culture of the western states.
In God’s providence, I am invested in this stuff; and if I have no right to talk it, then no one does.
Neil wrote:
“But the common method, of standing on a street corner telling people that they are going to hell unless they repent, does not work.”
It does not matter what works, Neil. What matters is that what we do and HOW WE DO IT. All must line up with God’s revealed will (found in His Word), and we must leave the results to Him. Success is measured by fidelity to God, not by numbers nickels and noise. Modern leadership is gravely mistaken on this.
“That is why there is a vast number of people that have build a hatred for Christians. Its not God, Jesus, or the church they hate, its the people.”
You are seriously mistaken. We are ALL born into this world, in Adam, God-hating rebels. In your system people don’t need saving, they are neutral. Your perspective is humanism, not Christianity on this. We are born dead to God and alive to sin. That is why we must be born from above. Eph 2.1, Col 2.13
People hate Christians because they hate Christ. Christ is God, and we are guilty before God, therefore we hate Him. We hate all authority because it all comes from God (Ro 13), from our parents on up. Have a look at Romans 1.18-32. Not a nice picture. All people know more about God and His rightousness than they admit.
Friendship evangelism does not work. Worldly people are attracted to people who will reinforce them IN their sin. People who need Christ will be attracted to the truth, even if it hurts their feelings. Friendship evangelism has filled the church with dangerous chaff.
“Maybe my experience is limited to my youth, or the area I live in, but the majority of people that I talk to that are agnostic / atheists have had bad experiences with people that claim to be Christian but do not love.”
No one loves like they should. I don’t love like I should. But, what is love? Is it reinforcing people in their sin so that they go to hell with a false sense of security? People hated Christ enough to kill Him, and He was the most loving person who has ever been. People lie; they give all kinds of excuses to hate Christians. People hate God. We all do. We are all rebels to the core. Gen 8:20-21, Eccl 9.3, Jer 17.9, Psm 51.5, Prov 22.15, Mat 15.18-19, Lk 11.13, John 2.23-25, 1Cor1.18, 2.14, 15.21-22, Ro 3.9-12
Let me try a new tact:
The World is lost and dying.
WCS looks like it is lost and dying.
Its fans look like they are lost and dying.
What is wrong with this picture?
The lost love sin and the things that bring death; this is part of what it means to be a child of Adam and the devil.
So the world thinks you guys are cool; they even tolerate you talking about Jesus once in a while (because they want to feel better about themselves).
I tell you from first hand experience that this is not of lasting worth.
Get ready to morn; because if you are real, you will morn. How different is the experience of a broken-hearted child of God from the lightness, frivolity, emptiness, and worldliness of the multitude that only have a mere profession of Christ. How different is a mourning saint (broken over his base backslidings) from the RECKLESS professor who justifies his every action, who thinks sin is a light thing. Note that no matter how inconsistently the chaff acts, he never feels his conscience wounded.
If you are God’s child, at best, this is what you I think you will face: All these posers and music bands will fade away, and you will morn. You will morn that you had anything to do with their deception.
And you will morn and morn and morn. Morn over your broken idols, your lost youth, and your marred bodies. Even after you repent, your “music” tortured brain will echo for years with the sounds you wish you could stop, but cannot. Ask me how I know.
And God will have taught you some expensive lessons.
1. That you are not smarter than His Word and his ways
2. That modern Christianity is not safe, but has become fatally corrupted.
3. That God’s grace in Christ is sufficient to save a real sinner like you. A real sinner who even now struggles to love God after all He has done for you.
I would like to give one ray of light after all this. Here is a sermon I think will bless anyone, it is about the un-asked for grace of Christ. Go to this page;
http://www.metropolitantabernacle.org/?page=sermons&pagenumber=3&table=sermons
And choose the sermon: Irresistible Grace
Thanks for posting me; it has been amazing and agonizing.
Luke,
Thanks again for your kindness.
@Pulled – I agree with much of what you are saying here. However, your comments about me are quite incorrect. You said, “Luke has a liberal perspective. Look at his education background on his profile. Liberal theologians pride themselves on being open, inclusive and balanced.” While you are correct that I attended a state school with little regard for theological accuracy, to pin me as a liberal merely because of undergrad education is unfair. If you would read much of this blog you would find it not to be the case. I’m currently attending Reformed Theological Seminary to get an MA in Religion (not known for a “liberal” theology). I believe wholeheartedly in the full deity of Christ, the verbal plenary inspiration of the Bible, eternal heaven and hell, God’s utter hatred of sin, etc., etc.
Wow, thats all i can say. I agree with Sara, All these previous posts have saddened me to think about how some people are more concerned about condemning the people within the church rather than lift them up and encourage them. I LOVE what WCS is doing and these are definitely the most genuine people i have met in a long time.
No hate guys, lets try to spread some love
My family and I attended a show with White Collar Side Show. We all were ministered to in such a powerful way. I find it difficult to think that anyone could look at them and not see the love and integrity that shines through their lives. We are all proud to call them friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. Thanks to them there are people who are coming to grips with their addictions and are taking actions to get back on the right track with God. Hallelujah. There were a few ways that Jesus told us that we would know each other….one was through love….and there is so much of that that flows through their message…and the other is through fruit…Well, my family and I are some of the fruit that has come from this wonderful ministry. If their music offends you, that saddens me. There are so many awesome people who share Christ’s love and sacrifice through a different mode of music…. Thank you, Jesus for diversity!!! We love you, t,v and P and pray for you daily. Thank you for your sacrifice to show the world a new way of purity!!! God bless you!!!
Debra Parker