Nick’s Story: Why I am weak
Loved ones always ignored my pornography use until my wife finally confronted me, exposing it for what it was: an addiction. Lust is a crazy thing: the lies that sound so true; the numbing guilt; the secrets of my darkness; the “coping mechanism.” Human beings are complex creatures: we are bio-psycho-social-spiritual people. Realizing this I discovered how I was in constant combat on every level and losing on almost every front.
It’s amazing what the light can do if we dare to take a glance. I thank God at how bold my wife, Carrie, was to stare my addiction in the face while I had been too much of a coward. Stopping my addiction needed practical steps so she could help me walk through it and come out on the other side.
After the confrontation came counseling, which helped me see my propensities which promoted pornography in my life. Then I mapped out the activities and daily steps to put into practice to begin fighting back. This is where Covenant Eyes became essential to my recovery.
We live in a fallen world. From the moment we are born, we are starting off in a bad place, with the forces of darkness destroying whatever and wherever they can. And they already have influenced many places. Let’s take for example, the internet. The internet is grossly populated with seductive ads, crude humor, and enough garbage to destroy your computer and obliterate your mind. Our eyes are bombarded with millions of little itty-bitty pieces of filth that we just accept because they often fly under the radar. One little seductive ad, we think, “Ah, who cares? I wasn’t trying to look at that stuff.” One little thumbnail as we’re browsing through YouTube videos. One verse in a song that feeds our depression or ego or lust or anger. Some gossip that helps dishonor someone’s character just a little more. Evil under the radar. Then there are the other times when I went looking for the evil (and boy, is it easy). Still living with the guilt and shame from the time before, it was easy to accept again and again. And again.
I used to be ashamed to admit that I couldn’t resist the temptation. It was actually a form of pride. “I don’t need help. I don’t have to act upon my temptation. Those ads don’t mean anything to me…” But like I mentioned earlier, we are bio-psycho-social-spiritual people. When I experience temptation online (or anywhere for that matter) hormones are released in my body (bio), shame and pride kick in (psycho), I think of the other hundreds of thousands of people that look at pornography (social), and spiritual forces are gunning for me to give in (spiritual). The truth is I can’t combat all of this successfully.
But I am only half of this story…
Carrie’s Story: Why porn is so damaging
As the wife of a porn addict, it all begins with denial and excuses. “Every man looks at pornography,” or “He probably came across this site by accident.” But you can’t help but compare yourself to the images you see in front of you. “She is so much thinner than I am.” “Maybe if I had longer hair like her he would really love me.”
I found pornography on my husband’s computer almost 2 years ago. I tried to pretend that it was not real by ignoring the issue (although occasionally I would check his history and find it more often). I wasn’t looking to see if he was still lusting after pornography…I knew he was. I would check so that I could keep up with the latest things he was into. Then, I would find myself trying to look or act like these women he lusted after. But that only sustains for so long, because as a women, you cannot keep up with these images being pranced across the screen.
If he made a comment that he liked my hair better blonde, I would become angry because I knew he was looking at women with brown hair. If he told me to cut it shorter, I would become angry because I knew he liked the Internet women with the long hair.
Our life in the bedroom was also smoke and mirrors. I didn’t enjoy it. I knew every moment we were together there were the other women in the room. I could never feel beautiful even if he told me I was. I always felt used, betrayed and then thrown away.
Nick’ Solution: How I escaped
Today, we have found hope in Jesus Christ. The Bible tells us that all is not lost when it comes to overcoming sexual temptation and sin. I Corinthians 10:13 tells us,
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
What are some practical steps we have taken to overcome lustful temptation in our lives?
- Covenant Eyes allows us to use an Internet basically void of temptation. You don’t have to give up Internet freedom. You actually gain the freedom of using the Internet without the worry of temptation, shame, hurting your family, damaging yourself, or dishonoring God.
- Place locks on TV programming and adult channels, and filter the content of the movies you watch, such as rated R movies.
- Be careful what type of music you listen to. Most music on the radio is all about sex and lust, which can lead to temptation.
- Do not be alone or have private conversations with the opposite sex. Flirting, dirty jokes, etc. are all damaging to the marital commitment and can lead to adultery.
- Learn to “bounce your eyes.” If your eyes drift towards the sexual, build a reflex by training your eyes to look away immediately.
- Speak with your partner about other temptations such as magazines and billboard ads. Accountability is the answer!
Living a life free of pornography is something I never dreamed I would be able to do. I always thought that overcoming pornography was for other people that had their life more together than I did. If you, like me, are trapped by porn, cling to John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
