Rebuild Your Marriage 3 Ways Pornography Is Devastating Your Wife
Rebuild Your Marriage 4 minute read

3 Ways Pornography Is Devastating Your Wife

Last Updated: February 23, 2021

This post has been updated as of February 2021.

Many men don’t realize how damaging pornography is to their wives. Most will admit their wives don’t approve of it. However, this is often because they believe their wives simply view it as “dirty.” Women’s reasons for despising pornography go deeper. For them, it’s a devastating attack that reaches down to their very core.

This is what Max discovered when he and his wife Kelly sought counseling because of his pornography use. Although he knew she wouldn’t like it, Max initially thought there was nothing wrong with occasionally viewing porn. For him it was simply a “guy thing” that he did to relax when he was stressed. Most of his friends were into it too, so how could it be wrong. Besides, to him, the women in pornography were mere “images on a computer screen.” How could that be so offensive? As Kelly expressed how deeply hurt she was by Max’s pornography use, he began to realize how damaging it really was to him, to Kelly, and to their marriage.

While porn harms in many ways, here are three particular ways pornography is devastating your wife:

1. They feel deeply hurt and betrayed.

For them, pornography isn’t simply “images on a screen.” They are other women. Thus, pornography use is a form of adultery. When a man chooses to spend time with pornography, he is choosing to spend time with other women.

Furthermore, he is sharing his sexuality with them, a precious gift that must only be shared with his wife. He is giving away something that belongs to his wife. This is no different than having an extramarital affair. Because pornography depicts men sexually exploiting women, a wife might also end up feeling used in her sexual relationship with her husband.

2. They feel ugly and rejected.

Many young wives don’t object to their husbands viewing pornography because they know they can compete with the young women in porn. However, this view changes with time. Naturally, wives get older, but the women in porn stay young. Here is where a husband’s pornography use gets really hurtful.

A wife in her 40’s may see what her husband is viewing in porn and think to herself, “How can I compete? He must think I’m ugly. I’m no longer beautiful or sexually desirable. He would rather be with those young women in porn than with me. He wants to replace me.” This can result in wounded self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even body image disorders for wives.

Related: How Can I Restore My Self-Worth After Competing With Pixels

3. Trust is broken.

Most wives feel they have an open and honest relationship with their husbands. They believe they can share anything with each other and they have healthy intimacy. This view disintegrates when a wife discovers her husband viewing pornography. She realizes he has a dark secret life that she never knew about. The man she thought she knew thoroughly for years now seems like a total stranger.

This a very deep trust wound. Not only is her ability to trust her husband damaged, but she also realizes her husband may have never trusted her enough to share his struggles with her. Thus, she realizes the trust she thought she had in their relationship never existed. She begins to wonder what other things in their relationship he has lied about. In addition, she often no longer sees him as a good role model for their children. Her whole image of her husband is destroyed.

Steps Toward a Healthy Marriage

For many women, their husbands’ use of pornography is deeply traumatizing. Some even struggle with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Pornography is so damaging that it plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces. Unfortunately, men never hear this from the mass media. All they hear is that it is “harmless adult entertainment.”  I am convinced that if husbands really knew how damaging pornography use is to wives and marriages, they would never want to go near it.

Fortunately, most people and relationships can, and do, heal from the devastation of pornography. It takes time, patience, and commitment to the healing process.  Whenever I work with a couple struggling with the effects of pornography, there are three kinds of counseling I offer:

  1. I work with the husband to successfully overcome his use of pornography.
  2. I work with the wife to recover from the trauma caused by her husband’s pornography use.
  3. I work with the couple to heal the damage caused to their relationship because of pornography use.

Many couples claim they simply want to go back to the way things were before their marriage was damaged by pornography. However, this is not what I recommend. Because pornography use and its root causes often predate the marriage, one or both spouses probably were not healthy when they entered the marriage. The goal of counseling is to help them work on individual and marital healing so that they can create a healthy and happy marriage.

Related: Porn in Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (and How to Heal)

While the healing process seemed daunting for Max and Kelly, they still loved each other and were committed to their marriage. As they worked on their individual healing, they were able to develop a new and healthy marital relationship. For the first time, there were no secrets in their relationship. They felt safe with each other and could talk about everything. They felt truly connected and had a healthy level of intimacy. After several months of therapy, they were truly in love with each other and had the marriage they had always wanted. While they wished they never had to go through their ordeal, they could see how God was using it to give them the marriage they had always wanted and the marriage He wanted for them.

  1. Sean

    Moriah Dufrin on October 11th, 2019 – 11:38am mentioned that you might be writing follow-on piece(s) about some of my questions. I’d be eager to read them if you have done so Moriah. Could you please clarify if you’ve do so? Regards, Sean

    • Keith Rose

      Hi Sean, thanks for following up! Great questions. I don’t believe Moriah has written an article on this specific topic. However, here are a couple of different posts that I think may address your questions.

      https://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/04/17/is-using-porn-cheating/

      https://www.covenanteyes.com/2020/06/16/porn-in-marriage/

      https://www.covenanteyes.com/2020/09/17/finding-healing-through-the-betrayal-trauma-model/

      Every day we talk to wives who have experienced the devastation of a husband who is caught up in a life of porn. Increasingly however, we’re finding many women are trapped by porn as well. There’s less research on this, but I believe the shame and betrayal experienced by the husband of a porn user can be just as strong.

      Certainly, there are many types of betrayal, deception, and mistrust that can occur in a marriage. There are a lot of different factors in each relationship and each individual that will affect how they feel about different offenses. Any kind of deception is destructive in marriage. For a marriage to be strong, couples need to work toward greater openness and honesty with one another.

      However, since sexual faithfulness is so central to the marriage vows, from a biblical perspective there’s something especially hurtful about porn (Matthew 5:28, 1 Corinthians 7:1-7).

      I hope this helps!

      Blessings,
      Keith

  2. Tracy errington

    My husband has a problem with his penis and its connection to his brain due to medication, so watches porn as I don’t arouse him anymore, after 22 years of marriage. Any advice please?

  3. Hi there, awesome site. I thought the topics you posted on were very interesting keep it up thanks.

  4. Great article Lot’s of information to Read…Great Keep Posting and update for people like us..Thanks

  5. Emily

    My husband says porn/masturbation and sex with me are two different things and completely unrelated. His secret porn 1-3 times a day, sex with me once or maybe twice a week. To me, sexual pleasure is sexual pleasure. Why different?? I’m attractive, slender, always clean. I make myself available everyday…all day. He waits ‘til I leave the house and looks at porn. He calls me when I’m out asking when I’ll be home, and then does it before I get home. He secretly looks at porn on his phone while I’m in the same room and then rejects my advances…says he didn’t shower or he’s too full from dinner, or he’s tired, or he doesn’t feel well. I think he only has sex with me to appease me or after a night out with me. He obviously prefers porn to me. He’s rough with me when having sex, pushes me down or forcefully holds me down. When he’s done, he walks away and leaves me alone. I feel used. So he doesn’t blame me and says they are two different things. He also says that all men do it, and if they say they don’t, they are lying. He doesn’t want to talk about it and gets upset if I bring it up. I want to confront him about it, but I don’t know how…he has no clue that I have known the extent of his porn and masturbation for over 6 months. I can’t keep going on like this without saying something. It’s killing me and can’t live with this as a part of our relationship. Any thoughts on how to bring it up without alerting him to my clever detective work?

    • Kay Bruner

      Hey Emily.

      I am so, so sorry. I think you feel used because you are being used. When he is rough with you, pushing you, forcefully holding you, unless you like that and have asked for it, he’s sexually abusing you. Abuse is about power and control, and he is using sex for that end with you.

      I have to ask if he puts his hands around your throat? If so, please leave immediately. That is a known red flag for increasing and dangerous violence. Women who are killed by their sexual partners have often been choked by them previously.

      I would not bring this up with him if I were you, out of concern for your safety. I think you need to ask yourself if you want to live with a sexually abusive man or not. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.

      Please find a therapist who can help you process this, and keep you safe.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

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