The Porn Battle: Creating Your Strategy for Victory

“Know thy self, know thy enemy.” –Sun Tzu, Art of War

“Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.” –Eph. 6:11

What would you do if you saw your family in the enemy’s crosshairs? How would you react if you saw he loaded a bullet labeled “Your Porn Use”?

What if you knew his plans to attempt to destroy your soul and your life? Would you change your actions to gain the victory? Or will you continue to sacrifice your loved ones to protect your secrets?

I trained as a soldier with the best in the world, first at West Point then in the US Army. I learned battle strategies and how to respond to them.

I fought a 38-year battle with pornography. I lost most of the time. This battle cost me years of wasted time, missed opportunities, and nearly destroyed my marriage. It cost my wife even more. But I opened up to help seven years ago, and it’s gotten better ever since.

Now I see others losing the same war, leaving lives and marriages in ruins, so I want to educate you about the enemy you’re fighting and how he continues to beat you after years of trying to get free.

Divide and Conquer

“… woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.” –Eccl. 4:10

If the enemy can get you alone, he can kick your butt. Remember what the serpent did with Eve, he approached her in seclusion, creating the first division in relationship. The enemy of our souls loves this strategy.

Watching porn is not a group activity. We view it alone, in the dark, where secrets flourish. I sought time alone. I sought more and more disconnection from my relationships. When I was alone, separated from the help I needed, the enemy held me captive.

It is tempting to keep the secrets and not ask for support. This is right where the enemy wants us. First Eve fell when she was alone. Then the serpent and Eve pulled Adam down, because Adam spoke from his own wisdom and uncertainty, instead of checking in with God.

The enemy keeps telling you, “Discretion will preserve you!” and twists this truth into chains of bondage. He shouts, “They will reject you!” to shame you away from connection with friends.

With this effective strategy, you lose the battle every time you stand alone.

Family Under Siege

“… A house divided against itself shall not stand.” –Matt. 12:25

Another strategy is the siege: if the enemy can cut off outside support, the people die a slow death of starvation, but sometimes they turn on each other first.

As your situation worsens, you see your spouse and family as the enemy. Your hunger drives you insane. Reality and fantasy blur into a fog of misunderstanding and accusations.

Getting caught by your wife puts you on the defensive, and even an open confession creates turmoil. In either case, you don’t know if you have what it takes to put the relationship back together.

She hurts from the secrets and breakdown in the relationship. She wants to pull back from you because of the pain of your sin. You want to stop the negative reminders of your actions, so you don’t want to talk about it.

If bad conversations lead to no conversations, your resilience erodes, and the relationship dies a little more each day.

Tearing the family apart from the inside is the enemy’s goal. He wants you to stay silent and afraid of exposure, because the more you protect your image, the more your family starves for you, and the more territory you give to him.

Rally Cry

“Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets. That the one who reads it may run.” –Hab. 2:2

Now you know his battle plan: to take you out and leave your marriage in ruins. Men, we live our lives thinking, “I will do anything to protect my wife. I will die for her.”

Well, if you don’t know it, now is the time.

I am sounding the trumpet, calling you to war. You will take some hits, but if you will humble yourself and get the help you need, you will win the victory.

Build an Army

“And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” –Eccl. 4:12

If you want to stay free from porn and sexual sin in your life, you cannot fight alone. Find battle buddies or accountability partners, men who help you in tough times and celebrate with you in good times.

Wear the full armor of God when facing the enemy, not when facing your friends. Why? Because you can save your image or you can save your soul. In this fight, you cannot do both.

You face many difficult challenges when fighting porn. You and your battle buddies may need guidance from experienced fighters, so when you’re under attack you can turn to them for solutions. Victorious men in your church can help. Certified BraveHearts Mentors have years of freedom and are trained to show you the way out.

Once you have your army, vulnerability will bring victory. This paradox explains why so many men lose this fight. You have to expose your weakness to others to find the strength and resources to win.

Read that again.

Only vulnerability will bring victory. It’s a paradox, but you have to expose your weakness to others to find the strength and resources to win.

The people you work with must have full access to your secrets; they can’t help you if they don’t know everything.

Circle the Wagons

“Draw water for the siege, strengthen your defenses! Work the clay, tread the mortar, repair the brickwork!” –Nah. 3:14

You and your spouse will need to work through several painful conversations. (I wrote an apology letter for this–consider writing your own) Remember, both of you are under attack. Both of you need each other to fight—long-term—because it will take time to recover from this.

Sit in the discomfort of hearing about the impact of your actions. You fell prey to deception, but own your part. Take responsibility for your actions. By embracing the scars you left on her heart and doing anything you can to heal them, you will repair the division faster than any other approach.

Stand Your Ground

“Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” –Eph. 6:11,13

Your fight will last for many months, so you must stand your ground every single day. But when the fog clears, you will be a battle-tested warrior, standing with God and others to keep your life and marriage free from sexual sin.

Then you will have the strengthened character to continue the daily fight. As temptation calls, you will stand ready to repel enemy attacks, knowing you are no longer alone.