6 Common Myths Wives of Porn Users Believe

In the era of fake news and the proliferation of the Internet, it can be hard to find the truth. With a push of a button, lies become viral and myths are perpetuated. Let’s get real about porn addiction and stop with the lies that keep us trapped in bondage. Here are six myths that you can stop believing now about your spouse’s porn addiction.

Myth #1: I should have offered sex more often.

Let’s just set the stage with this right now: Your husband’s porn addiction is not your fault. Not your fault. Not your fault. Not your fault. Your husband is responsible for his behavior, just as you are responsible for yours.

I was 22 years old when Craig and I got married, and I was ready for sex. Lots of it. Any time! No longer were we banned from the act (yes, we waited) because we hadn’t tied the knot. There was a whole world waiting for me, and I was ready to explore it.

The problem was, though, that Craig didn’t seem as gung-ho about it as I did. I offered and offered, and though he did give in at times, that’s pretty much what it felt like—him giving in, not actually wanting it. At least, not like I did.

My point is this: I offered and offered and it didn’t do one thing to change the fact that Craig was addicted to porn. He didn’t seek out less porn because I made myself available. Even though he thought married life was the cure for his addiction, he quickly realized that his porn addiction wasn’t due to a lack of sex.

Porn is about escaping real life and entering into a fantasy world. It’s for numbing out—the exact opposite of what sex is designed to do, which is to be a way to engage intimately with your spouse. Your offering of more opportunity to engage does not satiate his need to numb out.

Square peg. Round hole.

Myth #2: I should have paid more attention to my physical appearance.

The world has been looking for the Fountain of Youth for a long time. But no matter how hard we search, no matter how much money we spend, it can never be found. Why? Because the Creator of this world did not design us to be young forever. Our bodies waste away due to natural causes, no matter how hard we try to fight it.

Now, does God want us to take care of our bodies? Yes.

Did God intend for our physical appearances to be the glue that holds our marriage together? No.

In 2 Corinthians 4:16, Paul writes, “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.” It is the continual transformation of our hearts by Jesus that leads to the deep spiritual connection God wants us to have with our life partner. While the world wants to fixate our eyes on what is temporal and tangible, God wants to grow us so that we understand that true life is found beyond such appearances.

Myth #3: I should have been more adventurous in our sex life.

God intends sex to be enjoyable. He gave us a desire to explore each other (see Song of Solomon). He’s creative, thus we’re creative (because we’re made in His image) and we are free to use our creativity in our sexual lives.

That being said, we are also called to love and respect each other. Paul writes in Ephesians that “husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). Showing love includes respecting the boundaries and feelings of our spouse. Many people have endured sexual trauma and may feel deeply uncomfortable performing certain sexual acts. These feelings must be accepted as valid. You should never be forced (or force yourself) to engage in behavior that feels degrading.

In addition, trying to recreate porn scenes will bring neither of you the satisfaction you crave in your sex life. Porn is a perversion of what God intended sex to be, and inviting it into your bedroom will not give you the titillating results you want in your marriage.

Myth #4: If he loved me enough, he would change.

This is not about you. Love in a marriage is not tit-for-tat. It can’t be adequately measured on a scale. You want your spouse to be free from porn because he needs to be free from porn, not just because it’s affecting your relationship. If he changed simply because of you, what happens when you’re no longer around? Would you want him returning to the empty, hollow, unfulfilling habit that is porn? No.

Now, is there an aspect to love that is sacrificial? Of course. Jesus represents this by His ultimate sacrifice on the cross for our sins. But just as using porn is selfish, so is wanting your spouse to change just because you desire it for your own well-being and security.

Can God use you to help your husband? Yes. You can love him well while setting good boundaries for yourself and your relationship.

Here’s the thing—Craig had to learn that he was worthy of being loved. He had to learn how to receive this love. You can’t pour water into a bucket when it has the lid on it.

While the grace and love I (so imperfectly) offered provided a glimpse of God’s love, it was Craig’s relationship with Jesus that showed him how porn pales in comparison with true, real, unconditional love. In this process, he recognized that he is worth more than what porn offers. He acknowledged that his porn addiction was short-changing him and robbing him of the fullness of life. This motivated him to leave porn behind and seek treasure in what is true and lasting—real relationships. Craig ultimately had to change for himself, not for me.

Myth #5: I can’t tell anyone because it’s his secret.

Porn addiction comes with it a host of shame, but not just for the one who’s addicted. Sure, I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on with Craig because I was afraid of what people would think of him, but I was also afraid what people would think of me.

But shame is a powerful tool that Satan uses to keep us bound and enslaved to addiction. He uses it to keep us isolated. He molds it into lies like, “You’ll never be free” and “People will think you’re horrible if they knew what you do.” Shame keeps us trapped in darkness and wrapped in the false security that if we can keep this our little secret, it will all be manageable and in our control.

But exposing our sin and our problems to light is a glorious thing because when we bring them out of the darkness, we bring them to Jesus who is the light. Jesus says, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life” (John 8:12).

Just as much as your spouse needs exposure to light regarding his porn addiction, so do you. And just as much as your spouse is going to need a support system to help him overcome this addiction, so will you need one to heal from the hurt and betrayal. Here are some guidelines to follow:

• Tell your husband that you need support and tell him with whom you are considering sharing this burden. This might also be a good time to discuss with whom he can discuss his addiction (pastor, close friends, counselor, etc).
• Tell someone who is trustworthy and will not gossip.
• Tell someone who is going to tell you the truth—not just what you want to hear. This is someone who has a strong relationship with Jesus and who will be for the salvation of your marriage.

Myth #6: I’ll never be able to trust him again.

Nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26). Yes, you both have a road of healing. Your relationship has sustained damage and as you journey through this, it might feel as though your marriage is totally stripped down. But there is good news in this—what has been destroyed can be rebuilt. With Jesus as the foundation, it will be even stronger than it was before. How do I know? Because our marriage is living proof.

There are days when I still struggle with trust, but I have learned that ultimately my trust must be in God. Human beings will always fail, but God never does. With His strength, His love, His forgiveness, we can overcome any obstacle, “for everyone born of God overcomes the world” (1 John 5:4).